Rant of the day: Hurricanes

Hurricanes, you need to calm the fuck down.

Let's look at your less temperamental cousins, Rain and Wind.

Rain, you can be kind of an asshole when you decide to come barreling down when I'm 3.5 miles away from home during a 7-mile run like you did yesterday, but I forgive you because, well, vegetables.

Wind, you're cool. You're like my best friend when Heat and Humidity have been hanging around too long and you're all "party's over, time to go home."

But sometimes the two of you hang out and get a little out of control. You get your hands on some speed and decide to fuck some shit up. When that happens and you go full-on Hurricane on us, nobody likes you anymore.

Texas, I am so sorry. I have no idea what you are going through.

Except I have a fragment of an idea what you are going through.

Six years ago today - yes, August 28, 2011 - I woke up to the aftermath of Irene's visit. Oh, nobody remembers Irene because that bitch Sandy came one year after, but I'll get to her in a minute.

I was a first-time homeowner and had been living in my house in NJ for just one month when the warnings about Irene came. My husband and I tried to sleep that Saturday night in our guest room, which was on the main floor of our house. Our own bedroom was on the top floor, and we were afraid that some of the older trees surrounding our house might come down during the worst part of the storm.

But we woke up Sunday morning to a house still standing, yet finding that the damage didn't come from above - but from below. Our finished basement was pulling water up from the ground. We ran to Home Depot, and were lucky to find that it was A) open and B) had one remaining Shop-Vac (as first-time homeowners, we just weren't prepared), and ran home to try to save the basement.

Also, we were fortunate that Home Depot was south of us. Had we needed to drive north, this is what we would have run into:

Route 18, New Brunswick, NJ

An overhead view of Route 18

Our efforts were futile, though, as the ground was so saturated, no matter how much we vacuumed, more water would seep up through cracks in the basement floor into the carpet. We ended up having to pull out all of our carpeting and re-doing the basement floor later that year.

I still consider us lucky.

Because a little over a year later, Sandy came.

And that was a glimpse into what the End of the World would really look like. I didn't experience personal loss with Sandy like I did with Irene. I was one of the luckier ones. But it still was like living in an episode of The Walking Dead, minus the whole being chased by hordes of grotesque zombies part. We were without power for six days (and I think that was short compared to some other parts of the state). Traffic lights weren't working at all - you had to be extra cautious when driving anywhere. Also, it was probably a bad idea to drive anywhere because you couldn't get gas. If you could find a place that had gas, you'd be waiting in a two-hour line and prices were jacked up. Grocery stores - usually bright, cheerful places stocked with aisles and aisles of food - were dim and there was NOTHING. Bare.

It was pretty crippling for someone who is already prone to developing depression. But like I said, I know I was one of the more fortunate ones. If you didn't lose everything in Sandy, you knew someone who did. My aunt and uncle. My friend's aunt and uncle.

It was ironic because I had been nagging my mom about moving away from New Jersey to Florida just three years earlier. "How are you going to deal with all of the hurricanes?" I asked her. Well, after Irene and Sandy, it was clear I was going to need to move out of NJ to get away from the hurricanes at some point. She's been here in Florida for eight years and there have been 0.0 hurricanes. I've been here for two and have enjoyed the same luck.

So I need to help out my Texas brothers who aren't so fortunate. Hopefully, you will too - here's a list of ways you can help.

I sense much fear

Birthday transgressions aside, I've been sticking to what I believe is a perfect diet for over a month now. I should be on top of the goddamn world.

But here's where we stand four weeks after starting medication to get me out of the run/eat/repeat loop:

• I'm tired. I sleep just fine, but I can't seem to shake this general feeling of fatigue. I constantly feel like I need a nap. When the weekend rolls around, I should be ready to go bang down Disney World's gates, but it doesn't sound nearly as much fun as curling back up in bed does. And I didn't think it was possible, but every run seems to get slower than the last.  
• I'm cranky. I am always on edge. Poor Ben can't wait for another business trip to get out of the path of Nicole the Lion. Part of the problem is that I feel like my anxiety has been jacked up a thousand fold, and my impending doom is always around the corner. So wouldn't that make you a little testy too? 
• I've lost 0.0 pounds. This is the cruelest twist of all. I am talking to the tenths of a pound here, people. How can I not binge, eat cleanly, exercise sensibly, and have nothing to show for it? 

Sanity is overrated anyway.

Fact: I had mentally prepared myself for painfully slow weight loss when starting the drugs. No, for realsies. Here's why:

1. I am 100% certain that undereating and overexercising got me into this mess years ago. So I am super paranoid now about making sure I track every last calorie in My Fitness Pal, and I'm eating towards the high end of what someone my height/weight/activity level should probably be eating.
2. I had been taking supplemental thyroid medication for over a year, and stopped last month. My timing is great, isn't it? Now, because I had been taking this medication for a while, my brain said "sweet, I don't have to worry about telling Mrs. Thyroid to do anything anymore," and checked out of that business. Even though I titrated down my thyroid medication dosage to the best of my ability, I figured there would be a period of time before my brain realized she's got a job to do again. From what I had read, it usually can take two weeks to a month. 

So I knew it would be slow, but to not see any progress after a month is fucking depressing. And I just don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to mess with calorie intake just yet. Fortunately, I do have a follow-up appointment with New Doc this week so maybe I can get some guidance. I've been considering going back to Dr. Paleo too, for the sole purpose of getting some quick bloodwork done to see exactly what's going on thyroid-wise, but maybe I'll give it another week or two. 

I understand solving 20+ years of disordered eating takes time, but here's the reality of the situation: I've wasted my best years on this... thing. This fixation, this obsession, whatever you want to call it, with being an athlete. No. With having an athletic body-type. And I've put off other goals. I can't concentrate on other things I want to achieve. I start other "projects," but always come back to THIS. I can't do it anymore because life is just going to pass me by. I need to be done with it. I can't accept that what I am now might be as good as it gets for me. And that I very well may have missed my window to get a sub-2 half marathon. 

So... not seeing any progress is pretty scary for me. 

I found an old birthday e-card I received from SparkPeople that I saved because it had this quote in it and it's so right: What matters most in life is often viewed as peripheral to the things that we focus on. Passion takes a backseat to production, wellness to working, and balance to busyness. The old adage that 'life is not a dress rehearsal' is so true, and yet we act to the contrary by putting off what is truly important or indulging in things that are not...

Logical Nicole knows the above is true. So why am I still drowning in this ridiculous fear?

Squirrel Hero

You know how you take a day and a half off of work to enjoy your birthday and view an eclipse, and then return to work to find that everything has become a big shit storm and you find yourself working all the hours you missed - and then some - to make up for it? No?

Ah well, South Carolina was worth it. So much to recap though. I will try to do it as succinctly as possible:

• I thought sticking with my food plan would be easy. It wasn't. My in-laws were committed to celebrating my birthday with all the usual trimmings, like cake and candy and dinner at Italian restaurants that haven't heard of gluten-free diets and breakfast at diners that still put feta in your spinach omelet even after you tell them 'no cheese' (but it doesn't matter because the coffee is undrinkable, and they don't have dairy-free alternatives to make it more palatable, so you have to go with cream anyway). It's cool, though, since I've had no problems getting immediately back on plan since I've been home.
• I will no longer complain about being a runner in St. Petersburg, FL, in the summertime. Southern runners on the Atlantic coast have it SO. MUCH. HARDER. Perhaps it's the fact the sun comes up just a little bit earlier to beat you down. AND if you aren't running fast enough, bugs will eat you alive. AND after five minutes, you are drenched in sweat because you can practically drink the humidity right from the air. So my "long" run in Pawley's Island only lasted a miserable four miles. Gulf coast, I heart you and I am so happy to be home.
• That eclipse was pretty sweet. I didn't buy special camera equipment, just took mental photos. For most of the day, my husband and I agonized over the weather forecast. They predicted rain, then no rain, then no rain but clouds, and it just didn't seem like things were going to cooperate with us. But I had to remind myself we weren't just there for the eclipse... we were overdue for a visit with the in-laws, we had a great mini-vacation, and I'd get another chance in seven years to see one if I wish to travel north to do so. (Also, there's one coming through my hometown in 2045. You can RSVP for my Eclipse-viewing party on Facebook.) BUT the odds were ever in our favor, and things stayed clear for us throughout the afternoon for us to bask in the awesomeness. 

My favorite part of the weekend, though, was that our drive to SC took us past Jacksonville on Saturday, home to friends Ben and I made while on a Disney cruise in January. When you aren't cruising with a giant family, Disney does a pretty good job of finding like-minded (read: 30-something childless couples who are also Disney addicts and happen to love Star Wars and runDisney) people to sit with at dinner. We've kept in touch with our friends on Facebook, and invited them out to lunch with us on Saturday since we'd be driving right past them. During our reunion, we realized they were just as excited about the eclipse as we were, so we extended the invite to them to bring their dog along and come with us to my in-laws house - and they accepted! We had a blast catching up with them all weekend. I learned they are signed up for quite a few runDisney events coming up, including the Princess Half, so I know I'll see them again soon.

Today while on my run, I saved a squirrel from becoming breakfast for two osprey. I'm not really sure why I did it, though. I kind of hate squirrels. Nothing sends me into a murderous rage quite like seeing a squirrel on my bird feeder at home. I'm all "That's not for you, buddy." But I was far from home, and just felt bad for the little guy, cowering in a bush while the osprey surrounded him. I chased them off, and gave the squirrel my most sincere "you're welcome."

So naturally the "You're welcome" song from Moana was stuck in my head for the rest of my run, and I had to listen to it when I got home. I searched for it in YouTube but a funny thing happened - I found this instead:
Man, people are so freakin' creative.

Twenty-One Days

Hey, I've been gluten/soy/dairy free for three weeks now. Not sugar-free, though. There's some sugar in the almond milk they use at Starbucks, and I enjoy an occasional latte now and again. I also like a little bit of maple syrup in my chia pudding, but that doesn't really count, right?

The above isn't exactly a super feat of willpower, though. I've done three or four Whole 30's at this point, so I've been here before. 

Nope, this is no big deal.

What IS a big deal is that today marks three weeks of being binge free. I can count on one hand the number of times this has happened in recent memory: earlier this year when I started Never Binge Again and around this time last year when I first heard of NBA. There have been more two-week stretches here and there, but even when I was doing Whole 30's, it was still possible to binge on compliant food like nuts or Larabars. 

So twenty-one days binge free means I can celebrate better habits formed, right?

Not so fast. We all know it may very well take more than 21 days to form better habits. And I'll never lose my healthy dose of skepticism that once I stop taking the two types of medication I'm currently on to silence my addiction, it's going to come back roaring more loudly than ever. 

I can't seem to find much on the interwebs about what happens after binge eaters stop taking these meds. Plenty of success stories for people who are currently using them, sure, but I want to know how they fare after. There's also case studies from people who have used them to treat other addictions, like smoking or alcoholism. I am hopeful because they seem to be successful, but I can't ignore the fact that food is a completely different beast than cigarettes or liquor. I can't just quit food entirely.

I can just live in the moment for once, though, and enjoy what it feels like to be free. So what if I got here in an imperfect way.

I don't have to worry about what might happen later. Because I can always use the present moment to be healthy when it comes to my food choices. And I'm doing the legwork now to be ready to come off the meds in the right way. I have to remember, I'm on the lowest possible dose of each, with so far no need to increase my dosage. 

And I can finally celebrate a binge free birthday (yes, I've got another birthday approaching this weekend, even though I told those silly birthdays to stop coming around years ago). A really excellent birthday gift would be some news about runDisney's Tinkerbell Half Marathon. Something tells me that's not going to happen, though... maybe if I use the Force...

I'll be doing my long run in South Carolina this weekend so I can be in a better spot for the eclipse on Monday. A long road trip... not having access to my own kitchen... this would have been quite challenging in the past, and I'm curious to see how I'll handle it this weekend. But I'm pretty sure it will be easy for me now.

Rant of the day: Socks

Let's talk about socks for a hot minute. There are a few common lengths you can find when purchasing socks for athletic pursuits, although they might go by different names depending on brand or what store you are searching at. I've found some helpful visual aids to ensure we're all on the same page here. Here they are, ordered from least to most acceptable:

No-show: I feel the same way about no-show socks as I do about strapless bras or thong underwear. God forbid someone sees your panty lines, or bra strap, or freakin' sock, so let's invent something super uncomfortable but ask you to wear it with a smile in the name of fashion. No-show socks provide some of the very basic benefits of being a sock, but absolutely NOTHING where it really counts... my heels. My heels tend to be blister magnets. Zero stars, No-show.

1/4 or Anklet: WTF, 1/4 length? You are like the less-cool cousin of No-show because you're visible above the sneaker-line, and therefore somehow uglier according to society. So I'd love to at least give you props because you're trying to be more functional, but I can't because you still leave me with bloody, mangled heels. Fail all around.

Knee-high: Enjoyed by soccer players and my grandfather. I actually had a few pairs of pretty sweet Superman knee-high socks for CrossFit, which I appreciated when box jumps were part of the Workout of the Day. I mean, if it came down to it, the socks were going to do jack squat if I ate it to keep me from getting bloody shins, but there was still some peace of mind there. Not really appropriate for running (unless you are using compression), because you might as well be wearing pants at this point, but these get an honorable mention as they do often play an important role in costumed, themed, or fun runs.

3/4 or Mid: The ONLY acceptable sock length for running. My heels and ankles, while slightly whiter than the rest of my body, are well protected from the damage my sneakers can do from a long run. Unfortunately, I must be the only one in the state of Florida who has this problem because there is not a single running store that sells this magical sock. I can only find No-show. Heck, it's really hard to even find 1/4 length here, as if that extra tiny bit of sock is going to cause one to immediately suffer from heat exhaustion. I understand we get 100% humidity down here, but come on people. Really.

And barefoot purists, this is NOT your time to comment. I tried it your way last year, and ended up with an awesome stress fracture after running the Dark Side Challenge (despite training in minimalist shoes for four months) that left me sidelined for a good portion of the summer. I'm thinking your way is the right way... but only once you actually are at a healthy weight. Until then, sneakers... with socks... are for me.

Before I moved to Florida, I was a member of Roadrunner Sports, which carried all kinds of glorious socks. I swore by their R-Gear Dry Max socks, as they were reasonably priced compared to other brands of running socks (especially if you were a member!) and seem to last a long time for the number of miles I put them through. I let my membership expire since RRS doesn't exist down here, but started to get nervous as I picked up running in sneakers again last June and realized my sock collection was dwindling. So when I actually went looking for socks around here and could only find fucking No-show socks, I rejoiced when I was on the road in Colorado with my husband and... lo and behold... we passed a RRS! I made him stop for a few minutes so I could stock up on my favorite socks.

When I finally find 3/4 length socks, I be like...

Anyway, my socks seem to be wearing out again. Thank goodness for the internet and mail order.

On a serious note

Today's the first day in a while that I've gone back to the park I had been running at - you know, the one with all of the cute baby animals and otters and stuff I've been enjoying so much? One day a few weeks ago, I woke up for a planned run at the park and just felt the urge to go running down by the bay instead. If you know me, you know I don't stray from plans all that often, but I'm so glad I did. When I got home that day, my "Nextdoor" app (if you don't have it, it's similar to Facebook, but specifically for your community) was blowing up with notifications about a dead body at the park. The park isn't that big, about a 1.10 mile loop around, which is why it's so popular with walkers and runners first thing in the morning and another reason I enjoyed it for training (besides the nature show). Police had arrived at the scene, and there was no foul play suspected. But... I'm not sure how I would have handled coming across a suicide on my run. No matter how hard things get, there's always gotta be a reason to live.

So I wanted to take a moment to share how important it is to take care of your mental health, guys. I've downplayed the role that doctors and psychologists have played in my own well-being in this blog, but that's because I'm a big, fat know-it-all sometimes. When really...

I also know nothing, Jon Snow.

So seriously... if you're ever feeling hopeless or know someone in crisis, start here and don't be afraid to look into help from a therapist.

Ok. That's enough heavy for one day. I need something more uplifting, don't you? Let's see what I've got... how many baby ducklings can you count in this photo I took at the park today?

There were fifteen, people. Some sitting behind mama there. Or maybe she's auntie to some, who knows. I wasn't aware ducks were allowed to have that many children.

So I've been hesitant to go back to running in the park for a while, but finally got out there today, only to run straight into an orange fence:

This is misleading.

This presented the illusion that I could still complete a loop - but instead of it being 1.10 miles, perhaps it would take me on a short detour. Maybe it would be 1.35 miles. I didn't care, as long as it was some kind of loop around the lake.

So I took the path to the right of the sign, only to dead end into that yellow Caterpillar you see right behind it. Foiled!

The only thing to do was to end my run, go home, and go back to bed.

I kid. If I can run Garmin-free, I can certainly adjust my running route mid-run, especially since I had a working GPS watch/heart rate monitor today. I just detoured back down towards the bay and did a new 5-mile route that took me through a few pretty new streets. Yay for flexibility.

Running Recap

Alright, running friends. What do you do when you wake up bright and early on a Saturday morning for your weekly long run and find with dismay that you've let the battery die in your trusty Garmin?

Well, the first thing I did was put a reminder in my iPhone for every Friday night going forward to check my watch battery. I'm not letting that happen again.

And then I laced up and ran out the door anyway. I figured I'd been given a gift - a non-rainy Saturday morning where I otherwise felt great couldn't be wasted. St. Pete Run Fest will be here before I know it, so I figured I'd train using Rate of Perceived Exertion. But using RPE doesn't always work out for me when trying to stay in my target heart rate, and it certainly didn't help that it quickly got to be hotter than balls by 8am.

Call the police and the firemen. 

Ah well. Still glad I got out there... because I finally solved a mystery that has been bothering me for almost a year now. At this time last year, I ran into some kind of race happening put on by the Florida Ultra Runners but could find no mention of what they were up to online. So when I saw them again this weekend, I worked up the nerve to actually ask one of the runners what was going on.

The event was something called the "Durty(sp) Beer Run," an annual 6-hour run that takes place along a 3 mile-ish loop in downtown St. Pete from 6am to 12 noon. St. Pete is pretty packed with microbreweries, so I suppose it makes a good destination for that kind of run but... no thanks, I'll pass. It was 8 million degrees on Saturday. I'm only slightly exaggerating. I wonder how many people died that day.

Yet that wasn't the only event taking place on Saturday! They were also setting up for something called the Great Brain Wash, which looked much more appealing. This 5k included inflatable obstacles that were similar to giant slip-n-slides, and the race supported brain tumor research. I would have totally crashed the course, but they hadn't started yet, so I just walked my sweaty self home.

My Disney Annual Passes came out of blockout this week, so my husband and I went back to Animal Kingdom yesterday for the first time in over two months.

When our Disney Annual Passes come out of blockout, Ben and I be like...

Also, still going strong with my puritanical devotion to healthy eating, having no difficulty navigating a day at Disney yesterday food-wise whatsoever. I will share that I have begun picking up tracking my food in MyFitnessPal again, because I do believe I may be falling into the trap of undereating. I would rather err on the side of having a little bit more food than I need right now to kill any future possible binge urges while I've got the support of medication on my side, rather than be sucked back into the same dangerous cycle the minute I stop meds. Like I said in my initial post on the subject, it's all about developing the right habits for me right now.

Inner Workings

So I'm one week into a new regimen of taking two types of medication - a low dose of an anti-seizure med and an antidepressant - to help end my eating disorder.

What if I told you.... I take both pills?

For the last ten years or so, I've really been strongly against taking any type of medication, even avoiding aspirin for headaches if the pain wasn't unbearable. Even last year, I was hesitant to start up thyroid medication when I learned my thyroid was working sub-optimally, but gave it a go because I thought that might be playing a role in my binging, and the thyroid meds didn't contain much in the way of chemicals (just naturally desiccated pig thyroid gland). But after a year of taking higher and higher doses of WP Thyroid until I hit the max and never seeing better results, I decided to wean myself off of those meds, and I took my last 1/2 grain of WP Thyroid this morning.

So I didn't take the decision to go hunting for help from conventional medicine lightly, but when it comes to binge eating or bulimia or whatever the hell plagues me, the pendulum swings just seem to be getting wilder and wilder in my life. One month, I'm "cured." The next, I'm so far off the rails, it's scary.

I want equilibrium. I want balance. And then I'll achieve my goals, like finally getting my sub 2 half marathon.

And um, guys... the meds are kinda working.

Let me explain to you the inner workings of my brain before last week:

Inner Pig: "Oreos."
Nicole: "Um. We don't eat that stuff anymore."
IP: "Oreos."
Nicole: "We're kinda busy right now."
IP: "Oreos."
Nicole: "I don't really want Oreos."
IP: "Oreos."
Nicole: "I have to run tomorrow, and I can't be sick and bloated for that."
IP: "WE'RE GETTING GODDAMN OREOS."
Nicole: "Eep. Ok"

That's literally how it works for me, and as I understand it, for most with binge eating disorder and other types of addictions. There's an internal argument, a power struggle that takes place until my rational, logical self takes a back seat and something else takes over for a while until I find myself knee-deep in a pile of oreos, wondering how this happened and feeling guilty as hell, and the only thing that is gonna make me feel better is running the junk out of my system, only my body is wearing down and I can't run like that anymore.

And here's how it's worked since last Friday, like almost immediately:

IP: "Or-"
Nicole: "SHUT THE FUCK UP."

Who's in control? Me.

Also, the meds give me a potty mouth.

And that's it. I eat three normal meals, mostly things I've prepared myself from fresh meats and veggies, and have an extra healthy snack if I have worked out, which has been most days this week. I also have dinner at the table with my husband - it's worked out really nicely that he's not traveling this week for work to get me into the habit of sitting at the table to have meals.

And that's exactly what I'm looking for... building good HABITS around food so that in a few months time, I can eliminate the meds and be a normal human eater. I also believe that - because I won't be eating the things that suppress thyroid function like gluten and dairy - I'll be helping my body out in that respect, too.

I've got hope again. Haven't seen you in a few months, friend. Glad to have you back.

Insert Clever Title Here

I kinda spazzed out last night at kickball. There were a few things working against me:

• New medication
• I woke up early yesterday to get in a 5 mile run, since I wasn't certain kickball was going to happen (we've been rained out 80% of the time this season). The rain did not work in my favor this time, however. 
• We had a double header... against the same team, who is pretty good
• Our (2) games didn't start until 8:30 pm... and usually I'm in bed and winding down around 9:15pm, so I really didn't want to be there

It doesn't help that every week, we're always fighting to get enough women to play on our team. We always barely eek by with the required 5 minimum, which means that every single one of us is playing the field every single inning, while the guys get to rotate in and out, and the ladies never get a break. Don't get me wrong, I like to play, but I think I'm going to need to take the next season off to really focus on half marathon training. I'll try to find someone to replace me as short stop.

Running went well yesterday.

No it didn't. It went more like this:

Minus the whole stripping part.

I did find this article about running form interesting. It appears my natural stride is what's going to be most efficient for me after all, and I don't really need to give it much further thought.

Weird dreams continue. Last night, there were a few different ones, but the one that stands out most vividly right now involves me being part of a focus group at work reviewing new commercials where we fired the guy who has been acting as our spokesperson over the last few years... and replaced him with an animated version of him and used his voice. Pretty sure we can't do that. Also, the commercials were nonsense.

I'm so tired today. Here's to a much-earned rest day.

Right Life

Today's day 5 on the topiramate/bupropion combo, and I have to say the side effects have generally been minimal and not unpleasant. Except for the weird dreams.

Strange things happen when I go to sleep these days. 

Last night, a nice gentleman named Vlad showed me how they made blue breastplates at Epcot's Norway pavilion for Disney's army. Two nights ago, OJ Simpson was running for mayor of St. Petersburg, which I hope is not prophetic considering we do have a mayoral election coming up, OJ's daughter lives here, and he did mention living in Florida once he gets out of prison.

Speaking of living in Florida, I've lived here since July of 2015. When I first got here, I felt like I was finally living my "right life"... no more commuting, more time to dedicate to running and my other passions, and - yes, still feeling pressure to perform at work - but pressure I could alleviate with a quick look out of my bayview balcony. (I temporarily lived in a condo overlooking Tampa Bay when I first got here. So awesome.) Well, here I am two years later, and I'm not really feeling that "right life" feeling anymore.

Surely, I'm missing my waterfront property. 

Ok, I know it's more than that. I really think I'm just not in the right line of work anymore. I've been in my role for 4.5 years, with my company for about 10. But I'm afraid to look elsewhere. I do love my company and there are plenty of reasons to stay with them, but I think it may be impossible to land another job with my company as a remote worker, and moving back north is not an option for me right now. 

Besides, I really love working from home. I can think clearly. I can be here to let in contractors when needed. I can do other things with my life besides drive myself to and from work. Yet I believe it is going to be very difficult to land another work-from-home job, and this article agrees with me. 

And yet I fear I might be forced to look elsewhere in the coming months. 

All signs point to the fact I should find a new role that gives my life meaning and purpose, especially as this month I will enter my late 30's which is mid-life crisis territory. But I hesitate because I'm not sure the benefits of finding meaningful work outweigh the stress of having an office-based job again.