Chemotherapy

With my first surgery complete, and the discovery that my lymph nodes were clear, my oncologist was finally able to give my cancer stage: 2A, which based on size of the lump and the fact that zero lymph nodes were impacted. It's conearly-stagely stage cancer, which is a relief, but wasn't going to exclude me from having to undergo chemotherapy. It's the only treatment available for triple-negative breast cancer, and starting chemo sooner rather than later gives you the best shot of achieving good outcomes.

I don't really know what that means for me, exactly. Given that my lymph nodes were clear and that I had a mastectomy, I'm not sure what they are expecting to find at the end of treatment. I'm still going to have to keep my fingers crossed that I won't have a recurrence - I understand the five-year mark is a good goal to reach, as it will be unlikely I will have a recurrence if it doesn't happen within five years. So... fingers crossed, I guess.

My oncologist described the chemotherapy regimen I'd be undertaking - eight rounds, spaced out every two weeks. The first four treatments would include adriamycin and cyclophosphamide, followed by four rounds of taxol. He also described the common side effects and when I could expect them:

1. Hair loss would begin within the first few days of treatment. I could expect to be completely bald within two to three weeks. 
2. Nausea and vomiting would be the worst two to three days after treatment. 
3. Constipation and fatigue would be ongoing.
4. Some patients also see weakening of the heart, called cardiomyopathy. 
5. Compromised immune system: Chemo doesn't differentiate between cancer cells and healthy cells, and knocks out your white blood cells, which are key in fighting infections.

So I would have to stay away from notoriously "germy" places like:

• Gyms
• Buffets
• Disney World

Guys, you know how much I love Disney, right? My annual pass expired in August - it's the first time I haven't renewed it since we moved down to Florida. And the months of October, November, and December are extra magical as Disney preps for the holidays, so I'm sad to be missing out.

I had also been planning on doing a Disney Halloween-themed cruise to Bermuda with some friends and family in October. Disney Cruises are my absolute favorite vacation, and I had been planning this particular trip with the family since June of 2017. Since the trip was planned for the time right in the middle of chemotherapy, I had to back out of it. Glad the rest of the family still went, though. Wouldn't want my cancer to get in the way of their fun. 

Anyway, as much as the side effects all sound like a blast, I forced myself to look forward to treatment. I understood time was of the essence. The only problem was that I had to be completely healed from my surgery before starting since chemo could interfere with the healing process and put me at increased risk of infection. 

So my oncologist and I set a tentative start date for chemo for August 16, about one month after surgery, to allow time for healing. My husband arranged to be home from work that week so that he could go to that appointment with me... and when the time came, we bravely marched over to the doctor's office together.

Only to have him take a look at my surgical scar and determine I wasn't ready to begin. He postponed treatment one more week, which was unfortunate because Ben would be back on the road for work. And again, I knew starting sooner rather than later was important.

But now that I know how much the side effects kick my butt, I guess I'm grateful that I didn't start on the 16th and got to enjoy my 38th birthday on August 20th pretending to be normal. 

I sense much fear

Birthday transgressions aside, I've been sticking to what I believe is a perfect diet for over a month now. I should be on top of the goddamn world.

But here's where we stand four weeks after starting medication to get me out of the run/eat/repeat loop:

• I'm tired. I sleep just fine, but I can't seem to shake this general feeling of fatigue. I constantly feel like I need a nap. When the weekend rolls around, I should be ready to go bang down Disney World's gates, but it doesn't sound nearly as much fun as curling back up in bed does. And I didn't think it was possible, but every run seems to get slower than the last.  
• I'm cranky. I am always on edge. Poor Ben can't wait for another business trip to get out of the path of Nicole the Lion. Part of the problem is that I feel like my anxiety has been jacked up a thousand fold, and my impending doom is always around the corner. So wouldn't that make you a little testy too? 
• I've lost 0.0 pounds. This is the cruelest twist of all. I am talking to the tenths of a pound here, people. How can I not binge, eat cleanly, exercise sensibly, and have nothing to show for it? 

Sanity is overrated anyway.

Fact: I had mentally prepared myself for painfully slow weight loss when starting the drugs. No, for realsies. Here's why:

1. I am 100% certain that undereating and overexercising got me into this mess years ago. So I am super paranoid now about making sure I track every last calorie in My Fitness Pal, and I'm eating towards the high end of what someone my height/weight/activity level should probably be eating.
2. I had been taking supplemental thyroid medication for over a year, and stopped last month. My timing is great, isn't it? Now, because I had been taking this medication for a while, my brain said "sweet, I don't have to worry about telling Mrs. Thyroid to do anything anymore," and checked out of that business. Even though I titrated down my thyroid medication dosage to the best of my ability, I figured there would be a period of time before my brain realized she's got a job to do again. From what I had read, it usually can take two weeks to a month. 

So I knew it would be slow, but to not see any progress after a month is fucking depressing. And I just don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to mess with calorie intake just yet. Fortunately, I do have a follow-up appointment with New Doc this week so maybe I can get some guidance. I've been considering going back to Dr. Paleo too, for the sole purpose of getting some quick bloodwork done to see exactly what's going on thyroid-wise, but maybe I'll give it another week or two. 

I understand solving 20+ years of disordered eating takes time, but here's the reality of the situation: I've wasted my best years on this... thing. This fixation, this obsession, whatever you want to call it, with being an athlete. No. With having an athletic body-type. And I've put off other goals. I can't concentrate on other things I want to achieve. I start other "projects," but always come back to THIS. I can't do it anymore because life is just going to pass me by. I need to be done with it. I can't accept that what I am now might be as good as it gets for me. And that I very well may have missed my window to get a sub-2 half marathon. 

So... not seeing any progress is pretty scary for me. 

I found an old birthday e-card I received from SparkPeople that I saved because it had this quote in it and it's so right: What matters most in life is often viewed as peripheral to the things that we focus on. Passion takes a backseat to production, wellness to working, and balance to busyness. The old adage that 'life is not a dress rehearsal' is so true, and yet we act to the contrary by putting off what is truly important or indulging in things that are not...

Logical Nicole knows the above is true. So why am I still drowning in this ridiculous fear?

Squirrel Hero

You know how you take a day and a half off of work to enjoy your birthday and view an eclipse, and then return to work to find that everything has become a big shit storm and you find yourself working all the hours you missed - and then some - to make up for it? No?

Ah well, South Carolina was worth it. So much to recap though. I will try to do it as succinctly as possible:

• I thought sticking with my food plan would be easy. It wasn't. My in-laws were committed to celebrating my birthday with all the usual trimmings, like cake and candy and dinner at Italian restaurants that haven't heard of gluten-free diets and breakfast at diners that still put feta in your spinach omelet even after you tell them 'no cheese' (but it doesn't matter because the coffee is undrinkable, and they don't have dairy-free alternatives to make it more palatable, so you have to go with cream anyway). It's cool, though, since I've had no problems getting immediately back on plan since I've been home.
• I will no longer complain about being a runner in St. Petersburg, FL, in the summertime. Southern runners on the Atlantic coast have it SO. MUCH. HARDER. Perhaps it's the fact the sun comes up just a little bit earlier to beat you down. AND if you aren't running fast enough, bugs will eat you alive. AND after five minutes, you are drenched in sweat because you can practically drink the humidity right from the air. So my "long" run in Pawley's Island only lasted a miserable four miles. Gulf coast, I heart you and I am so happy to be home.
• That eclipse was pretty sweet. I didn't buy special camera equipment, just took mental photos. For most of the day, my husband and I agonized over the weather forecast. They predicted rain, then no rain, then no rain but clouds, and it just didn't seem like things were going to cooperate with us. But I had to remind myself we weren't just there for the eclipse... we were overdue for a visit with the in-laws, we had a great mini-vacation, and I'd get another chance in seven years to see one if I wish to travel north to do so. (Also, there's one coming through my hometown in 2045. You can RSVP for my Eclipse-viewing party on Facebook.) BUT the odds were ever in our favor, and things stayed clear for us throughout the afternoon for us to bask in the awesomeness. 

My favorite part of the weekend, though, was that our drive to SC took us past Jacksonville on Saturday, home to friends Ben and I made while on a Disney cruise in January. When you aren't cruising with a giant family, Disney does a pretty good job of finding like-minded (read: 30-something childless couples who are also Disney addicts and happen to love Star Wars and runDisney) people to sit with at dinner. We've kept in touch with our friends on Facebook, and invited them out to lunch with us on Saturday since we'd be driving right past them. During our reunion, we realized they were just as excited about the eclipse as we were, so we extended the invite to them to bring their dog along and come with us to my in-laws house - and they accepted! We had a blast catching up with them all weekend. I learned they are signed up for quite a few runDisney events coming up, including the Princess Half, so I know I'll see them again soon.

Today while on my run, I saved a squirrel from becoming breakfast for two osprey. I'm not really sure why I did it, though. I kind of hate squirrels. Nothing sends me into a murderous rage quite like seeing a squirrel on my bird feeder at home. I'm all "That's not for you, buddy." But I was far from home, and just felt bad for the little guy, cowering in a bush while the osprey surrounded him. I chased them off, and gave the squirrel my most sincere "you're welcome."

So naturally the "You're welcome" song from Moana was stuck in my head for the rest of my run, and I had to listen to it when I got home. I searched for it in YouTube but a funny thing happened - I found this instead:
Man, people are so freakin' creative.

Twenty-One Days

Hey, I've been gluten/soy/dairy free for three weeks now. Not sugar-free, though. There's some sugar in the almond milk they use at Starbucks, and I enjoy an occasional latte now and again. I also like a little bit of maple syrup in my chia pudding, but that doesn't really count, right?

The above isn't exactly a super feat of willpower, though. I've done three or four Whole 30's at this point, so I've been here before. 

Nope, this is no big deal.

What IS a big deal is that today marks three weeks of being binge free. I can count on one hand the number of times this has happened in recent memory: earlier this year when I started Never Binge Again and around this time last year when I first heard of NBA. There have been more two-week stretches here and there, but even when I was doing Whole 30's, it was still possible to binge on compliant food like nuts or Larabars. 

So twenty-one days binge free means I can celebrate better habits formed, right?

Not so fast. We all know it may very well take more than 21 days to form better habits. And I'll never lose my healthy dose of skepticism that once I stop taking the two types of medication I'm currently on to silence my addiction, it's going to come back roaring more loudly than ever. 

I can't seem to find much on the interwebs about what happens after binge eaters stop taking these meds. Plenty of success stories for people who are currently using them, sure, but I want to know how they fare after. There's also case studies from people who have used them to treat other addictions, like smoking or alcoholism. I am hopeful because they seem to be successful, but I can't ignore the fact that food is a completely different beast than cigarettes or liquor. I can't just quit food entirely.

I can just live in the moment for once, though, and enjoy what it feels like to be free. So what if I got here in an imperfect way.

I don't have to worry about what might happen later. Because I can always use the present moment to be healthy when it comes to my food choices. And I'm doing the legwork now to be ready to come off the meds in the right way. I have to remember, I'm on the lowest possible dose of each, with so far no need to increase my dosage. 

And I can finally celebrate a binge free birthday (yes, I've got another birthday approaching this weekend, even though I told those silly birthdays to stop coming around years ago). A really excellent birthday gift would be some news about runDisney's Tinkerbell Half Marathon. Something tells me that's not going to happen, though... maybe if I use the Force...

I'll be doing my long run in South Carolina this weekend so I can be in a better spot for the eclipse on Monday. A long road trip... not having access to my own kitchen... this would have been quite challenging in the past, and I'm curious to see how I'll handle it this weekend. But I'm pretty sure it will be easy for me now.

Evolution

So my birthday was yesterday. I tried to stop having my birthday seven years ago, but for whatever reason, it just keeps coming. Silly birthday.

I celebrated the way most middle-aged women do - with video games, Disney World, and ice cream.

I also looked back on other journals and blogs I've kept over the years. Good to know 365 days have passed and I'm in exactly the same spot I was last year:

• I still have problems with food.
• I still haven't run a sub 2 half marathon.
• I still feel like I haven't reached my potential.

But am I really in the same spot I was last year?

It occurred to me I never really thought about exactly how long I've had an eating disorder. The overexercising/undereating patterns started right after college, but it hit me over the weekend that I know precisely when my relationship with food turned messy. The exact moment. And it was well before college.

It was twenty-two years ago - my first day of high school. The routine I had held pretty much my entire life was disrupted at that point. My first class started an hour earlier than it did in middle school. I had to take a bus for the first time. I looked and sounded so much younger than my 14-year-old self, and spent a good portion of that first morning agonizing about it. I skipped breakfast, of course, because I figured I could use the extra ten minutes of sleep instead (a habit I continued through early adulthood). And - when lunch time came around that first day - I found myself to be too self-conscious to eat. I felt like people were watching me, and I worried more about finding a group of friends to sit in the cafeteria with. So I never ate lunch in high school, either.

I was always ravenous by the time I got home from school, sometimes not until well after 6:00 pm depending on the time of year and the activities I was involved in. I lived on one decent meal each day at dinner, and junk from vending to hold me over when I really needed it.

When I got to college... well, that's not really the place you learn healthy habits. So there you have it. Twenty-two years of bad eating behavior. And I've spent only 1/5 of that time trying to correct it.

I may not be perfect today, but within the last month, I find myself getting pretty damn close. I just need to have a little patience with myself.

Pokémon Go players understand I'm like the magikarp. It might take me a long time to evolve, but when I do, I'm going to be pretty bad ass.

On turning 21

I'd be disappointed about turning a year older this week if it wasn't for the freebies I get at this time of year. It's the bargain addict in me. I've signed up for so many restaurant "birthday clubs" that, five years ago, it got to a point where I realized I couldn't use all of my birthday free food coupons before they expired unless I started eating two dinners each day.

My husband's birthday is almost exactly one month after mine. Since many of these birthday clubs send birthday freebies one month in advance, the restaurant free-for-all typically spans from early August to late September for us. Two months of dining out is actually more stressful than you'd think.

So now, whenever I sign up for a new birthday club, I tell them my birthday is in April or October. I'm shameless.

This year feels a little bit different, though. I'm not sure why, but I feel like I haven't received as many birthday freebies as I have in the past. Maybe these restaurants have somehow gotten word that I've formed new eating habits and either are doing me a favor or don't want to deal with all of my pain-in-the-ass questions about what contains wheat and what cooking oil they use. I've been holding off on posting this list because I feel like more should be coming - but with one week left, I guess maybe a lot of restaurants aren't giving away birthday freebies this year.

Or maybe I've just forgotten the extent to which I've lied about my birthday... Should I expect an ambush of freebies in October? Well, if you are interested, here are the restaurant birthday clubs that have sent me something so far this year. Most of these I can't actually use because these are restaurants that are in the Northeast, and I moved last year.

• Applebees - Free dessert
• Baskin Robbins - Free sundae AND a $3 off ice cream cake coupon - This cracks me up. Should I buy my own birthday cake?
• Bonefish Grill - Free Bang Bang Shrimp
• Cold Stone Creamery - Buy One Get One Free Any Size Creation
• Dennys - Free Grand Slam- They'll substitute something of equal value
• Dunkin Donuts - Free Coffee
• Friendly's - Free medium sundae
• Houlihan's - Free Entree
• Kahwah Coffee - $3 towards purchase
• Panera - Free Coffee - They used to give out a free pastry. Happy they made the change!
• Red Robin - Free burger - Hello, lettuce-wrapped Royal Red Robin burger!
• Ruby Tuesday - Two Free Cupcakes
• Starbucks - Free beverage
• Sweet Tomatoes/Souplantation - Buy One meal w/ drink, Get One Free
• Ted's Montana Grill - Free Dessert

Any birthday clubs I'm missing out on? I'll probably want to go out to eat again sometime in January.