I sense much fear

Birthday transgressions aside, I've been sticking to what I believe is a perfect diet for over a month now. I should be on top of the goddamn world.

But here's where we stand four weeks after starting medication to get me out of the run/eat/repeat loop:

• I'm tired. I sleep just fine, but I can't seem to shake this general feeling of fatigue. I constantly feel like I need a nap. When the weekend rolls around, I should be ready to go bang down Disney World's gates, but it doesn't sound nearly as much fun as curling back up in bed does. And I didn't think it was possible, but every run seems to get slower than the last.  
• I'm cranky. I am always on edge. Poor Ben can't wait for another business trip to get out of the path of Nicole the Lion. Part of the problem is that I feel like my anxiety has been jacked up a thousand fold, and my impending doom is always around the corner. So wouldn't that make you a little testy too? 
• I've lost 0.0 pounds. This is the cruelest twist of all. I am talking to the tenths of a pound here, people. How can I not binge, eat cleanly, exercise sensibly, and have nothing to show for it? 

Sanity is overrated anyway.

Fact: I had mentally prepared myself for painfully slow weight loss when starting the drugs. No, for realsies. Here's why:

1. I am 100% certain that undereating and overexercising got me into this mess years ago. So I am super paranoid now about making sure I track every last calorie in My Fitness Pal, and I'm eating towards the high end of what someone my height/weight/activity level should probably be eating.
2. I had been taking supplemental thyroid medication for over a year, and stopped last month. My timing is great, isn't it? Now, because I had been taking this medication for a while, my brain said "sweet, I don't have to worry about telling Mrs. Thyroid to do anything anymore," and checked out of that business. Even though I titrated down my thyroid medication dosage to the best of my ability, I figured there would be a period of time before my brain realized she's got a job to do again. From what I had read, it usually can take two weeks to a month. 

So I knew it would be slow, but to not see any progress after a month is fucking depressing. And I just don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to mess with calorie intake just yet. Fortunately, I do have a follow-up appointment with New Doc this week so maybe I can get some guidance. I've been considering going back to Dr. Paleo too, for the sole purpose of getting some quick bloodwork done to see exactly what's going on thyroid-wise, but maybe I'll give it another week or two. 

I understand solving 20+ years of disordered eating takes time, but here's the reality of the situation: I've wasted my best years on this... thing. This fixation, this obsession, whatever you want to call it, with being an athlete. No. With having an athletic body-type. And I've put off other goals. I can't concentrate on other things I want to achieve. I start other "projects," but always come back to THIS. I can't do it anymore because life is just going to pass me by. I need to be done with it. I can't accept that what I am now might be as good as it gets for me. And that I very well may have missed my window to get a sub-2 half marathon. 

So... not seeing any progress is pretty scary for me. 

I found an old birthday e-card I received from SparkPeople that I saved because it had this quote in it and it's so right: What matters most in life is often viewed as peripheral to the things that we focus on. Passion takes a backseat to production, wellness to working, and balance to busyness. The old adage that 'life is not a dress rehearsal' is so true, and yet we act to the contrary by putting off what is truly important or indulging in things that are not...

Logical Nicole knows the above is true. So why am I still drowning in this ridiculous fear?

Inner Workings

So I'm one week into a new regimen of taking two types of medication - a low dose of an anti-seizure med and an antidepressant - to help end my eating disorder.

What if I told you.... I take both pills?

For the last ten years or so, I've really been strongly against taking any type of medication, even avoiding aspirin for headaches if the pain wasn't unbearable. Even last year, I was hesitant to start up thyroid medication when I learned my thyroid was working sub-optimally, but gave it a go because I thought that might be playing a role in my binging, and the thyroid meds didn't contain much in the way of chemicals (just naturally desiccated pig thyroid gland). But after a year of taking higher and higher doses of WP Thyroid until I hit the max and never seeing better results, I decided to wean myself off of those meds, and I took my last 1/2 grain of WP Thyroid this morning.

So I didn't take the decision to go hunting for help from conventional medicine lightly, but when it comes to binge eating or bulimia or whatever the hell plagues me, the pendulum swings just seem to be getting wilder and wilder in my life. One month, I'm "cured." The next, I'm so far off the rails, it's scary.

I want equilibrium. I want balance. And then I'll achieve my goals, like finally getting my sub 2 half marathon.

And um, guys... the meds are kinda working.

Let me explain to you the inner workings of my brain before last week:

Inner Pig: "Oreos."
Nicole: "Um. We don't eat that stuff anymore."
IP: "Oreos."
Nicole: "We're kinda busy right now."
IP: "Oreos."
Nicole: "I don't really want Oreos."
IP: "Oreos."
Nicole: "I have to run tomorrow, and I can't be sick and bloated for that."
IP: "WE'RE GETTING GODDAMN OREOS."
Nicole: "Eep. Ok"

That's literally how it works for me, and as I understand it, for most with binge eating disorder and other types of addictions. There's an internal argument, a power struggle that takes place until my rational, logical self takes a back seat and something else takes over for a while until I find myself knee-deep in a pile of oreos, wondering how this happened and feeling guilty as hell, and the only thing that is gonna make me feel better is running the junk out of my system, only my body is wearing down and I can't run like that anymore.

And here's how it's worked since last Friday, like almost immediately:

IP: "Or-"
Nicole: "SHUT THE FUCK UP."

Who's in control? Me.

Also, the meds give me a potty mouth.

And that's it. I eat three normal meals, mostly things I've prepared myself from fresh meats and veggies, and have an extra healthy snack if I have worked out, which has been most days this week. I also have dinner at the table with my husband - it's worked out really nicely that he's not traveling this week for work to get me into the habit of sitting at the table to have meals.

And that's exactly what I'm looking for... building good HABITS around food so that in a few months time, I can eliminate the meds and be a normal human eater. I also believe that - because I won't be eating the things that suppress thyroid function like gluten and dairy - I'll be helping my body out in that respect, too.

I've got hope again. Haven't seen you in a few months, friend. Glad to have you back.

You live for the Fight when it's all that you've got

So the big news of the day: Eliud Kipchoge was SO close to running a sub 2-hour marathon.

Is it too much to ask for me to be able to run half that distance in just about the same amount of time? Come on, people.

I've accepted the fact that it may never happen, but it doesn't mean I can't keep trying. I just need to make sure I'm not doing the same stupid things over and over again. And I am fairly confident I'm not because life looks a little bit different for me right now compared to when I was training for the Dark Side:

• In one week's time, I signed up for two half marathons, neither of which will be done in two hours. The St. Pete Run Fest is just too soon. I've somehow convinced a posse of ten women to run the Princess Half with me, which is great but also kind of awkward. I've never run with that many of my friends before, and the ones I do run with know I hate being held back (and it's why I like running with them frequently!). For this race, I don't know if we're running together or competing. I'm trying to put myself in the right mindset to run with my friends, not ahead of them. I know, I'm a terrible person. Please don't judge me too harshly. I'm tranquil as a forest but on fire within.
• I "beat" my eating disorder by becoming a padawan of Dr. Livingston. I first learned about his book, Never Binge Again, and wrote about him last July. I had some success following his strategy, but relapsed frequently in the latter half of the year. I decided to enroll in his one-on-one coaching program and, well, I'm never going to binge again. I'll write more about this in detail another time, because I do think this is a really important resource for other people struggling with binge eating. 
• As part of being an NBA student, I've learned to weigh in daily and don't fear the scale anymore. It's just data, a set of numbers that inform the choices I make in any given day. Prior to this program, I hadn't been on a scale (other than the doctor's office) in years, because knowing my weight could really ruin my day. 
• I'm on the max dosage of my thyroid medication, but it's not working. I feel exactly the same as I did when I started taking it last June. So the only thing left to do is to eat super clean, because clearly some of my dietary choices may have been inhibiting the meds from working. But here's the thing... if I start feeling better because I'm never binging and eating a super clean diet, then... well, what's really making me feel better? At this point, I think I'm just going to ask Dr. Paleo if I can phase out the meds. 
• I got suckered into taking the Whole Life Challenge beginning on May 20th. It's an 8-week diet/exercise/lifestyle challenge. For someone like me who lives every day as if it's a Whole Life Challenge, it's kind of a waste of $39. But quite a few of my family members are doing it, and it does gamify everything I've been trying to routinize over the last few months, so maybe it will be fun. There's still time to join if it's the kind of thing you think you might need to kick start a healthy lifestyle. Let me know in the comments if you are participating and I'll add you to my team. 

So there you have it. I have no expectation of running a sub 2 half this year and am going to try enjoying a run with friends. I am way better at eating now. And I'm only making positive choices for my health from here on out. Maybe it'll pay off for me with faster race times at some point in my life. 

When You're the Villain in Your Own Story

When I was seeing a therapist about my eating disorder, she tried to help me recognize "triggers" - events in my day that would inevitably lead to a binge. The problem was that binge eating was such a habitual occurrence for me, anything could really have been labeled as a trigger. Sad? Binge. Happy? Binge. Stressed? Binge.

Yes, emotional eating is a thing that some people like myself need to control. But I think looking for a specific trigger in order to avoid or negate it is flawed logic when everything can be a so-called trigger.

I can, however, recognize triggers that send my mood spiraling downward, resulting in outbursts of despondency much like I had yesterday. Long-time followers of the blog have probably recognized patterns of general contentment followed by majorly low lows. When I go back and read some of my own writing, I myself am like "Wow, this person sounds like she needs an intervention."

SO new goal... try to minimize my exposure to these triggers, but recognize them when they occur and don't jump to "end of the world" thinking.

Yes, I have a lot of work to do on myself. Didn't I just acknowledge that last week? Twenty-two years of treating my body like shit isn't going to be reversed overnight.

This same podcast that had me all bent out of shape yesterday reminded me that it could take some time through trial and error to figure out the right dosage of thyroid meds to get me running optimally. The only way I'll know for sure what's going on is to go back for some additional blood testing now that I've been on the meds for a while - something I knew I'd have to do again, but have been putting off because, well, I'm a wimp.

And we'll see where it goes. If no improvement, then I'll know I may need to try not exercising for a while, but that's not something I need to worry about right this instant. Quitting running isn't an option for me right now since I still have a half marathon coming up in November. If I'm still struggling after the Avengers Half, then we'll try changing it up.

I just have a lot more work to do than most in order to be able to go the distance..

Status

I thought I was doing really well. I've got my eating under control. Still taking my thyroid meds. I even saw improvement in my morning body temperature for a solid week, which I thought meant better metabolism.

But now I'm back to low body temps, and still accomplishing nothing when I try to run. My right foot hurts every damn morning, reminding me it will probably never be the same after April's stress fracture.

Then I go reading stuff like this to help me figure out why I never improve at running, and it's so overwhelming because pretty much everything on that damn page applies and I don't know what to fix first.

And then I listen to podcasts like this one about hypothyroidism and hear that I shouldn't be exercising at all. WTF? How am I supposed to believe this after a lifetime of hearing diet and exercise is the path to health? My identity for quite some time has been bundled with hard core fitness routines, how am I supposed to just stop?

Maybe I should just care a little less. People are sometimes surprised by what they can achieve when they stop trying so hard. But not caring is not easy for me to do, either. I've always been taught to work for what I want.

How is it that I can be so disabled inside? It doesn't seem fair that I'm otherwise a productive, functioning member of society, but will never be able to have this one thing I want.

I thought maybe I'd be getting closer once I beat my eating disorder, but no. Not binge eating isn't enough.

It's not enough.

I'm not enough.

Will I ever be enough?

For every step forward I take, it seems I always find a way to go two steps back.

Commitment

Now that I'm mostly uninjured (two months later), I've got no excuse not to get back to regular exercise.

Except I'm really having trouble getting back to regular exercise. 

I set my alarm for 5:30 every morning and go to bed early fully intending on getting out the door when said alarm goes off. "Tomorrow's going to be the day I get back on track," I say to myself before I fall asleep.

And then the alarm sounds, and I think of a million reasons not to get up and run. It's dark out (true). My bed is super comfortable (true). My foot kind of hurts (hmm... might be in my head?). I think I have a headache (definitely in my head). 

This isn't me. I exercise 5 days a week. I care about running a sub 2 hour half marathon.

I made a commitment to myself. I don't brush off commitments I make to others... why do I treat the ones I make to myself any differently?

At some point well after my 5:30 alarm clock went off yesterday, the thought popped into my head that I'm 4.5 months from my next half marathon. OMG! Not enough time! So I did get up and squeeze in a 3.5 mile run before work. I was able to put some of the techniques I learned in Running 101 on Saturday into practice, and felt really good afterwards. Accomplished. Energized. These are the feelings I need to remember whenever that alarm clock goes off...

Only I quickly forgot that feeling this morning. Didn't get up this time. 

Still, the day isn't over. I'm feeling surprisingly energized after a super productive work day, so I'm going to get my Crossfit WOD done at 7:30. Because I'm doing an evening workout, I would not intend on doing any strenuous activity tomorrow morning - maybe I will just take a walk so that I can work on getting used to rolling out of bed early again.

Things seem to still be going well eating-wise, which I think is due to starting thyroid meds. I am still behaving much more rationally around food. My stomach and I have friendly conversations these days:

Dynatherms Connected

Today marks two weeks since I've started thyroid medication, which means it's time to up the dose. I'd like to see where this takes me because so far, I haven't felt much different... except in one key area.

I do feel a little more rational around food. Before taking the meds, if thoughts of a chocolate chip cookie entered my head, that would quickly turn into MUST. EAT. ALL. COOKIES.

But in the last two weeks, I find myself thinking "Do I really want a cookie?" Sometimes the answer is "Damn straight I want a cookie!" But sometimes it's "No, I really could use some water though." Or "Maybe I need to just snuggle with the dog."

Nothing else has really changed for me, though. Still kind of low energy. Still low body temps, which means crappy metabolism. Is it just the psychological effect of starting something new that has me thinking more clearly about food right now? Too soon to tell. Maybe some of these other things will improve after I up the dose.

In the meantime, I've decided to stop taking all of the other supplements I was taking because I'm not experiencing all of the amazing benefits they typically promise*.

• Apple Cider Vinegar - keeps blood sugar spikes at bay.
• Gymnema - controls sugar cravings.
• Fermented cod liver oil - reduce inflammation, pain, etc, improve skin, the list goes on...

Here's the thing - I've done my homework and I still believe that these things work. But only for those who otherwise eat normally. Trying to get myself ready to run a sub 2 half marathon by relying on supplements is like trying to form Voltron with just the green lion.

The green lion is great and all, but I need 4 more lions before I can do anything awesome.

So I'd like to see where I'm at after my next blood test (probably will be mid to late July) and how I continue to feel around food before I start introducing other things to help out again.

*Amazon Affiliate Link. This means that if you click any of the links to Amazon through my site and buy something, I may earn a commission. Much obliged.

Game Change

Since Snapchat is becoming a legitimate marketing tool, I asked my brother - who is as millennial as they get - to teach me how to use it last week while I was in NJ.

I'm still not sure I get it, but I set my account up and gave it a try since I definitely had a "story" to tell today. But let's be clear, I'll never be able to part with the written word in favor of images. I'm just not that photogenic. 

So if you are a snappy chat user, feel free to add me - DarkSideRunner - for today's story.

Otherwise, here are the highlights (if you can call them that):

1. My periodontist explained that my gums are very healthy and that I am not actually in danger of losing my front teeth. He reminded me that there are four sides to each tooth, and 3 out of 4 sides have plenty of healthy gum to keep my front teeth solidly in my mouth. The real problem is that the gum has receded in the front of my mouth. I have exposed bone on the front side of my 3 bottom teeth, and I have suffered some bone loss. In order to protect me from losing any more bone, I will need to get a gum graft. We'll talk about that process another day, because it sounds absolutely horrid and I don't want to think about it right now.
2. My doctor took a look at my injured foot and determined that an x-ray was unnecessary. He reprimanded me for running at all over the last two months. advised me not to run again until he says I'm clear, and then treated my foot with an electromagnetic pulse machine. The EMP is weird and uncomfortable, BUT it made my foot very happy for the rest of the day today. I'm going back for further treatment on Thursday.
3. I also got the results of my blood test. Everything was normal. I never thought I'd be disappointed to hear I was "normal." But it's heartbreaking because at least if my tests were abnormal, I'd finally have an explanation behind all of my... idiosyncracies. The anxiety. The eating disorder. The exhaustion.

But nope, I'm "normal." Damn it.

Here's the game changer though - my doc shared that "normal" isn't the same as "optimal." The "normal" range provided by the lab is based on a statistical average of the population of that lab. The people who typically have blood work done are statistically not the healthiest segment of the population. Therefore, according to my doc, my "normal" lab results are saying that I'm just like a lot of other sick people.

So he prescribed me thyroid medication.

I've been pretty anti-drug for most of my recent adult life. And while I completely understand his explanation of "normal" vs. "optimal," I'm still skeptical. But even though the numbers say I'm normal, I just don't feel that way and really want to be "fixed."

I'm supposed to start taking it tomorrow morning. So at least I have the night to think this through a little bit more.