Rant of the day: Elections

Ok, before you go all #firstworldproblems on me, just hear me out.

I've voted in like 80 different elections here in Florida this year. Ok, there's only been 3, but still.

I've lived in multiple parts of the country, and every other state seems to do it more efficiently - put lots of stuff on the ballot at the same time, most likely in November, unless you are California and you recall your governor so that Arnold Schwarzenegger can serve.

Wow, I couldn't be further off Blog topic right now. We'll get back to regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.

The end of my career

Fast forward three weeks to Monday, October 2. I booted up my work laptop from home, as I had done every Monday morning since becoming a full-time remote employee, and was greeted with an instant message from my co-worker in Michigan. "Something bad is happening," she said, and named a few of my peers that had been pulled into meetings with human resources that morning. "And they just took Mike."

I froze. Mike held the same job title as me. If he was being let go, it meant I was next.

"God, I hope I am wrong and they aren't laying off everybody," came her next message.

I went about my own business for the next twenty minutes until I saw Mike's green light appear on his instant messenger. I wrote him a quick note - "I understand today is a bad day. Got a sec to talk?" He said yes and I gave him a call.

He confirmed the bad news - that his position was eliminated effective end of year. "They shared 40 other people are being let go due to a reorganization," he said. "I don't know who they are, they just gave me a sheet of job grades and ages (a requirement to prove nondiscrimination, I guess), so you may still be safe," he shared.

But as he finished that exact sentence, an incoming call came in. "I gotta go," I said to Mike. "It's them..." He wished me luck and I clicked over to the other line to hear from a director I barely knew and an HR rep I didn't know at all that my position was being eliminated come end of the year.

I barely heard the details of my terms of severance. All I could think about was how long I had served this company, how stupid they were to get rid of someone like me with so much institutional knowledge, how I might never find another job here in Florida, at least not one that paid what I needed to earn and allowed me to still work from home full time. And how cruel could they be to do this to someone who just went through the scariest thing in her life at that point in Hurricane Irma?

Over the next three months, I went through every emotion that comes with loss. I was furious. I was in denial, thinking something was going to change and they'd see how much they needed me. At times, I was relieved to be getting out... thinking about those who had managed to keep their jobs but were somehow going to have to figure out how to do the work of 40 people that had just been let go. But mostly, I was sad to think that this chapter of my life was ending, and my time with an employer that I loved... even though I didn't always love the job... was ending.

I began applying for a few jobs half-heartedly, focusing my search on positions that allowed remote work arrangements. I also applied for a new job that had been created as a result of the reorganization with my company, but was notified on Christmas Eve that I didn't get it. The fact that they dragged the interviews out from October through November and then didn't notify me until Christmas Eve... what a holiday gift, eh? It's hard to this day to forgive how they treated me during that time.

December 29th came faster than I was ready for, and I found myself packing up my computer equipment and shipping it back to the company. And then 2018 came, and I found myself - for the first time ever - facing unemployment.

The job search was... painful. As an introvert, networking and interviews drain the heck out of me, yet that became my daily life. I thought - without work weighing me down - I might actually be able to focus on health and running (remember, I had signed up for the Princess Half Marathon last year thinking I was going to be able to get the pink coast-to-coast challenge medal, but we know that didn't work out as planned), but I didn't get anywhere closer to meeting my health goals during that time.

In all those months of searching, I did manage to earn one job offer in March - for 30% less than I was making at my former employer, and no chance of a work-from-home arrangement. I couldn't sleep that night after the offer, dreading saying "yes" but fearing that I'd be losing out on the only opportunity I'd ever have for gainful employment again. But something in my gut told me it wasn't right, and I spent all night "upping my game" so to speak. I created a personal resume website, and immediately started looking for jobs that I knew would pay me what I'm worth and give me a chance to work at home again. I went to my old employer's website, and found a posting on one of the old teams I used to work for. Sure, it wasn't a marketing job, but it had a great shot of giving me the right salary and would be a full-time remote job. I sent an email at 4:43am to an old colleague of mine asking for some inside info on the job, and applied the next day.

I then politely declined the offer I had received, butterflies floating in my stomach the entire time, worrying I was blowing my one shot for decent work. I know today that was the right choice... because within one month, I was given the offer for the job I had applied to with my former employer.

And, just like Irma, one of the scariest moments in my life had finally had some closure with a very happy ending. But two weeks after I started my new job, I received my cancer diagnosis. It seemed like I was only picked up just to be knocked flat on my face once again.

Happy birthday, blog

Just stopping in to wish the blog a happy 2nd birthday. Look at how far we've come in two years!!

That's sarcasm, people. For all of this "learning" and "discovery" I've done - not just in the last two years, but since I started half marathoning five years ago - I've gone pretty far fucking backward. I've really just traded one set of unhealthy signals I had five years ago for another much worse set today.

Yeah, remember this? I don't think I'm even moving pebbles anymore. And my writing has kinda gone to shit. 

And I am just so goddamn tired of getting advice from so-called experts who know nothing, Jon Snow. And speaking of Jon Snow, maybe that's part of my problem. Why is all of this expert advice I'm getting coming from dudes? I really gotta rethink my "resources" page because none of these resources have actually helped me get anywhere close to my goals and maybe it's because it's all "expertly" crafted by men using research on other men to the benefit of future men and NOT ME.

I probably just offended 2.53% of my readership. Sorry. I know at least my husband will forgive me. Bear with me for a sec, though, this is not a gender issue.

Here's the truth. I've been steered wrong by female docs too.  Female coaches with specific expertise in my problems charge too much. Holistic health professionals in my area that accept my insurance are hard enough to find, and females are nonexistent, but at this point I'm thinking none of these "professionals" really know what they're doing anyway and they're all just throwing spaghetti. Or zoodles, and those are NEVER going to stick.  

And every success story I've ever read online must be totally fake because how is it that I can do what they're doing and not improve? They're either lying to me or not giving me the whole story. Don't give me that "unique snowflakes" BS, we're not THAT unique. Otherwise, what's the point of even doing research and sharing stories? I should just shut this down right now, right?

The thing that is working for me right now is chemical and short term. Why didn't anybody tell me about this option years ago? Why did I have to fight with this for so long and only have this offered to me after I went asking for something else New Doc couldn't actually prescribe me?

I don't know. Maybe I did have the right answers in my younger days. I don't have time to keep getting it wrong here, people. Hurricane Ethel could take this all away from me tomorrow. No, there's not actually a Hurricane Ethel right now, but while we're on the subject, let's start a petition to change the way they name hurricanes because I hate having to tell people I've been beaten up by an Irene, Sandy, and now an Irma. How about Hurricane Vader? Hurricane Palpatine? Even Hurricane Death Star would work. Seriously, you could get enough villains out of the Star Wars universe to get through a few hurricane seasons just fine.

Summer Sads

Before I got all crazy about Hurricane Harvey, I started feeling what I call the "Summer Sads." I was wondering when this would set in again - it seemed to skip over me the last two summers. But for most of my adult life, I still got the Back-to-School Blues, even though I haven't gone back to school in ages and I have perpetual summer now that I live in Florida. Yet something just feels...over.

This is how I feel when Labor Day comes and goes.

Maybe the Summer Sads are back because I've been watching too much depressing shit on Netflix. So on a positive note, at least Stranger Things will be back soon. And we are getting into my most favorite time of year - Pumpkin everything!!! (Although I have yet to decide how I'm going to handle pumpkin everything. I had a pumpkin coffee from Dunkin Donuts, and it really wasn't as exciting as I remembered it. Not worth it.)

But I feel reminded about all the things I wanted to do that I just didn't get to, and there's not enough time to cram it in with only three weeks before summer officially ends. And all of the better parts of summer are behind me, and I just need to get into the mindset of homework and early morning bus rides again. Err... that's not right. I need to get into the mindset of fighting off the two H's: Hurricanes and Halloween candy.

That isn't exactly what has me down.

Each season is a metaphor for life, which reminds me how fleeting it all really is. Spring: your childhood, where everything is fresh and new. Summer: your best years, still young and free. And here I am, coming to the end of the summer of my life. Sure, there's beauty in fall, but... things just start falling apart. Cooling off. The sun doesn't shine as brightly and your days are so much shorter.

There's some beauty in winter, too, I must remember. When you look at winter with the eyes of a child, it's full of wonder. Only through the wisdom of adulthood does winter bring misery. It's one of a few reasons why I said "peace out" to New Jersey a few years ago.

Of course, some of us don't even make it to winter. I could be outside walking my dog tomorrow and this could all be over. We act like we have all the time in the world, but you don't know. You just don't know. You can only hope.

And, ya know, do everything within your power to try to keep your summer going for as long as possible. Eat right. Exercise appropriately. Try not to stress out too much. That sorta thing.

It's hard not to stress when you've got the "End of Days" staring you in the face again, though. Just as we were putting in our last palm tree in our new landscaping last week, Ben and I got the news that Hurricane Irma was potentially coming our way, so that was excellent timing #sarcasm. And now it's looking very likely that we're going to get hit.

I sense much fear

Birthday transgressions aside, I've been sticking to what I believe is a perfect diet for over a month now. I should be on top of the goddamn world.

But here's where we stand four weeks after starting medication to get me out of the run/eat/repeat loop:

• I'm tired. I sleep just fine, but I can't seem to shake this general feeling of fatigue. I constantly feel like I need a nap. When the weekend rolls around, I should be ready to go bang down Disney World's gates, but it doesn't sound nearly as much fun as curling back up in bed does. And I didn't think it was possible, but every run seems to get slower than the last.  
• I'm cranky. I am always on edge. Poor Ben can't wait for another business trip to get out of the path of Nicole the Lion. Part of the problem is that I feel like my anxiety has been jacked up a thousand fold, and my impending doom is always around the corner. So wouldn't that make you a little testy too? 
• I've lost 0.0 pounds. This is the cruelest twist of all. I am talking to the tenths of a pound here, people. How can I not binge, eat cleanly, exercise sensibly, and have nothing to show for it? 

Sanity is overrated anyway.

Fact: I had mentally prepared myself for painfully slow weight loss when starting the drugs. No, for realsies. Here's why:

1. I am 100% certain that undereating and overexercising got me into this mess years ago. So I am super paranoid now about making sure I track every last calorie in My Fitness Pal, and I'm eating towards the high end of what someone my height/weight/activity level should probably be eating.
2. I had been taking supplemental thyroid medication for over a year, and stopped last month. My timing is great, isn't it? Now, because I had been taking this medication for a while, my brain said "sweet, I don't have to worry about telling Mrs. Thyroid to do anything anymore," and checked out of that business. Even though I titrated down my thyroid medication dosage to the best of my ability, I figured there would be a period of time before my brain realized she's got a job to do again. From what I had read, it usually can take two weeks to a month. 

So I knew it would be slow, but to not see any progress after a month is fucking depressing. And I just don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to mess with calorie intake just yet. Fortunately, I do have a follow-up appointment with New Doc this week so maybe I can get some guidance. I've been considering going back to Dr. Paleo too, for the sole purpose of getting some quick bloodwork done to see exactly what's going on thyroid-wise, but maybe I'll give it another week or two. 

I understand solving 20+ years of disordered eating takes time, but here's the reality of the situation: I've wasted my best years on this... thing. This fixation, this obsession, whatever you want to call it, with being an athlete. No. With having an athletic body-type. And I've put off other goals. I can't concentrate on other things I want to achieve. I start other "projects," but always come back to THIS. I can't do it anymore because life is just going to pass me by. I need to be done with it. I can't accept that what I am now might be as good as it gets for me. And that I very well may have missed my window to get a sub-2 half marathon. 

So... not seeing any progress is pretty scary for me. 

I found an old birthday e-card I received from SparkPeople that I saved because it had this quote in it and it's so right: What matters most in life is often viewed as peripheral to the things that we focus on. Passion takes a backseat to production, wellness to working, and balance to busyness. The old adage that 'life is not a dress rehearsal' is so true, and yet we act to the contrary by putting off what is truly important or indulging in things that are not...

Logical Nicole knows the above is true. So why am I still drowning in this ridiculous fear?

Home Crap Home

I had to travel back to New Jersey for work last week, which I don't mind so much because I get to see my friends and family that are there. Also, the sun rises a bit earlier there than here in Florida, which makes waking up for a run so much easier. Generally, it can be just as humid in NJ during July as it is in FL, but I lucked out and got one of those weeks that was more like spring than summer there. Absolutely gorgeous.

Weather and family aside, travel is more of a challenge than a reward for me. I've got all the stress of commuting to work like everyone else in the world, but don't have access to the things that help me stay sane. No kitchen. No puppy dog. No showing up to work in yoga pants, as I usually do when I work from home. So as much fun as it is to see my family and friends on the company's dime, I'm always relieved to come home.

Except when my Lyft from the airport pulled up to my house late last night, I discovered an absolute mess. Our contractors had begun work on our yard (we're having a patio put in and some landscaping done), and everything was torn up as if an earthquake had ripped through. I had no way to get to my front door other than to walk through all of the dirt with my luggage. And a mountain of broken concrete, pulled-up sod, and other debris had been piled up in our driveway.

I looked at the pile and realized that - yes, I was now home - but I was going to be stuck there for quite some time. It's like I wished on the Monkey's Paw to never have to leave home again. No driving to the gym or to pick up my dog from my grandmother's. I could use my bicycle to at least get groceries, but this was definitely not an ideal situation.

I don't blame anybody but myself. I really should have known better than to allow work to begin while my husband and I were both out of state, but I was really anxious for them to get started. We've been trying to get this work completed since February of this year. The contractors also told me it would only take two days to do the patio, and I was thinking it was awesome that I didn't actually have to be around for all of the noise and mess of it all. I didn't stop to think that maybe rain might delay them. I certainly didn't think I should pull the car out of the garage before they got started.

I took a photo this morning from my bedroom to show you the quarry that is my yard:

Ok, I know what you are thinking. #FirstWorldProblems

Spare me your tiny violins. I'll be really excited when the project is done and we can finally entertain people at our house. Still, I just felt the need to share why maybe going for a run today and sticking with my food plan was not my priority.

The good news is that my mother lives about 15 minutes away, right next door to my grandmother who was dogsitting for me. They both own white minivans, although my grandmother doesn't drive anymore. So my mom is letting me borrow her car while mine is blocked in since she can just use my Grams's van. Problem solved.

The landscapers got a lot done today, but have not really made a dent in clean-up. My hope is that everything is back to normal tomorrow.

Oh, I have a doctor's appointment with a new doctor tomorrow (another reason why I was anxious about not being able to drive). It's just not working out with Dr. Paleo. As I mentioned in this post, I was on the max dose of my thyroid meds and haven't seen any improvements in any facet of my life, so I wanted to start phasing them out. He and I disagreed about that, so I just started splitting my max dose and am phasing myself off of them. We'll see what the new doctor has to say tomorrow.

Habits

I got some bad news today, very similar to the news I got when I wrote my Low Point post about a year and a half ago.

Someone who is very important to the work that I do in my day job has been let go.

But unlike last time, I'm much better equipped to handle news like this. Rather than fearing for my own job security, I'm checking the facts. I still have a job today. I wasn't let go when I wrote that last post, and I've actually survived many rounds of layoffs in the years I've been with my employer. I'm like the cockroach of the marketing department. I persist.

I was bummed though because I feel rather close to this person. I chalk up a lot of my successes to her. I just needed a pick-me-up, so I decided to indulge in some self-care today by going for my monthly massage.

Yup, I haven't given up the monthly massage habit. I have started seeing a regular therapist at East to West Massage in St. Petersburg, though, and can't recommend them enough. I'm relaxed, I feel great, and I always leave the massage table ready to take on whatever life throws at me. And I know exactly what I'm getting when I walk in the door, so my anxiety based on this massage experience has been eliminated.

Here are some other habits I feel good about:

• I am really getting into a groove with my workout plan. Early-morning workouts have become routinized, and I'm trading time between wogging and getting to LA Fitness for some strength training. LA Fitness is great and all, but I really wish something like the Nerdstrong Gym existed in St. Pete (they are only in southern California right now). All of their classes have a nerdy theme like "Bossfight" and "Defeating the Death Star." It's like Crossfit for geeks. I want!
• I do at least ten minutes of meditation or guided visualization every day, usually before bed. Ideally, I could take a break during the middle of the day to meditate, but it rarely works out that I have time to do it. Something is better than nothing though.
• I no longer eat anything after 6pm during a normal work week. This might change if I'm going to visit my father, or if I'm at Disney, or if something happens outside of my routine. Otherwise, I really limit eating to between the hours of 9 and 6. 
• I still volunteer every Monday night at the nursing home with Joey. I do, however, approach each night with some trepidation because I got attacked by one of the residents back in February. It was so out of the blue - this particular resident had always been very sweet to Joey - but now I know I have to keep my guard up and we keep our distance from her. She grabbed my arm as I was walking past and punched me in the chest. Fortunately, an 80-year-old isn't going to do much damage to me. It's my dog I'm worried about.

Although maybe she can do a lot of damage. It's three months after the fact and I still have scars from where she dug her nails in.

So those are my healthy habits. Exercise, meditation, intermittent fasting, and volunteering. What are some healthy habits you've cultivated this year so far? Leave a comment!

Identity Crisis

2016 is the worst, isn't it?

I'd be way excited that we're in the last month of the year, but frankly, I'm not all that optimistic for 2017 either. I had some time to go back and read a few things I wrote around this time last year. My god, was I naive. I need to be much more analytical about how I do things from here on out.

I've quit running, which was my intention all along for 2016 as shared in my very first blog post. Resolution achieved I guess? I was just hoping to do it after I hit a personal record. I don't think I'm done with races forever - I still think about running the "Dopey Challenge" (a back to back 5k, 10k, half, and full marathon at Disney World) and a Ragnar Florida Keys (if I can get my American Odyssey Relay teammates to think about coming down this way. Or find 11 new willing mental patients to join me).

But I'm going to wait until inspiration strikes before I break out my running shoes again. It might be a while.

So now I find myself with a lot more free time and nothing to fill it with, which has given me exceptional clarity into how much of my identity was tied to hard core fitness routines over the last 15 years. I'm having a hard time thinking of what could fill this void going forward.

I've taken to crowdsourcing ideas, so if you've got one for me, leave a comment. So far, things like knitting, sewing, and quilting seem to be popular responses. It seems as if the only things out there for me are old lady hobbies.

We're both short and old.

And I guess I have to be ok with that. At this point in my life, I can't expect to pick up a new skill and eventually become the best in the world at it.

Gratitude

If you only think about what you are thankful for this one day each year, buddy, you're doing life all wrong.

I've (re)added a new habit to my daily routine over the last few weeks. This is something I keep coming back to when I feel my anxiety spiraling out of control, and it really makes a difference in how I approach each day. I'm not sure why I even occasionally fall out of practice with this... I think I just get too overwhelmed sometimes and forget this is a helpful weapon in my anti-anxiety arsenal.

Here's what I do: Upon waking every morning, before I even roll out of bed, I think about three things I'm grateful for. Those three thoughts are typically the same every single day, in the following order because that's how I become aware of their existence in my slowly waking state:

1. "Man, do I have a comfortable bed. I am so lucky to wake up every morning thinking I've just had the best sleep of my life, and even though I can't bear to part with it, I know the bed is going to be there when I'm ready to go back to sleep at night. I'm so glad I get to sleep, and sleep well, because it helps me be a healthy human being."
2. "I have the snuggliest cuddle monster of a dog, and yes, he may be snoring like a chainsaw right now, but that just confirms he's alive and well, and here to help me get through another day."
3. "I've got a husband that thinks I'm even more awesome than an oreo baked inside a chocolate chip cookie,  and treats me like a princess despite all of my shenanigans."

And nobody points a finger at this princess.

Occasionally, I'll think of other things I'm grateful for. Like the fact that we get some pretty awesome holidays here in the states, and I'm grateful my employer gives me the time off of work to spend them with my family. Or that I've got a kitchen full of nutritious food, and I'm not going to be hungry today. Or that I get to live in my own personal paradise while my friends are watching a football game in thundersnow... and yes, I may be envious that they get to watch the football game, but thundersnow.

I could go on about all the things I feel so fortunate to have in my life, but I think I'm walking a fine line here between information sharing and bragging.

Besides, the point is that going through this exercise reminds me that - even on my worst days - life is pretty damn good.

I'm sure everyone can think of three things they are grateful for, even in what seems like the most difficult of times. Leave a comment if you'd like to share what your three things are. You might just help someone who is struggling right now brainstorm something they wouldn't have otherwise thought of.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Blogroll the last

A shining new era is tiptoeing nearer.

Bonus points if you know what song those lyrics come from.

Here's what I've been reading lately:

Train Like an Athlete:

• Quitting running is the right thing to do for some people.
• I can spend 30 minutes each day walking, especially now that they released the buddy feature in Pokemon Go.

Eat Like an Athlete: 

• A 30 second test to see how many carbs you should be eating.
• Apologies to my husband, but this is why I win.
• Finally - an answer to the carbs vs. fat debate? (Just kidding).
• Common myths about eating disorders.

Think Like an Athlete: 

• Thinking it's time to let go.
• Recovery = Resilience.
• Time to stop dwelling on past versions of ourselves.
• How to accomplish something with only 1/3 of the year remaining.
• Let me get this straight... being a perfectionist isn't fun?

I've got a fever

And the only prescription is more pumpkin.

I typically feel a twinge of depression this time of year - the back-to-school blues, ya know? Except I haven't had to go back to school for quite some time now. I think the shorter days and colder weather always got me down, too. But now that I don't have to acknowledge the "unofficial end of summer" anymore since I moved to Florida, I'm not really feeling all that sad.

Can't be sad when it's PUMPKIN TIME!!!

I wrote about my infatuation with pumpkin last year, and it hasn't really dissipated in the last twelve months. I've been feeling the pumpkin twitch since the week before my birthday. Every day since August 23rd that I stopped into Starbucks, I'd ask if they had #PSL just in case... always denied. (The Hilton SBux next to my old apartment building made them for me super early last year. I miss that place).

Seriously, what's this guy's beef?? It's NEVER too early for pumpkin. 

I can rank order every pumpkin coffee within a twelve mile radius of my home, but I'm not going to do that here because then I would have to divulge exactly how much pumpkin I've had in the last ten days, and that could be slightly embarrassing. But I've got my list, based on pumpkiny-ness, availability of dairy alternatives, cost, and whether I can tell if I'm drinking coffee or not. 

Sorry, clean eating. Maybe I'll see you again in January. 

Oh, I still otherwise eat really reasonably these days. I'm wondering why this guy isn't a billionaire and why he gives away the secret to not binge eating. Or maybe he already is a billionaire and that's why he gives it away? I'm thinking I might just send him a personal handwritten thank-you note.

My running blog has been sparse on content about running as of late. I still do that occasionally. And see cool things:

I also saw not just one, but TWO friendly cats down near the marina on my running route. One ran off a little too quickly after saying hello, but this one decided to be my pacer for a while:

When You're the Villain in Your Own Story

When I was seeing a therapist about my eating disorder, she tried to help me recognize "triggers" - events in my day that would inevitably lead to a binge. The problem was that binge eating was such a habitual occurrence for me, anything could really have been labeled as a trigger. Sad? Binge. Happy? Binge. Stressed? Binge.

Yes, emotional eating is a thing that some people like myself need to control. But I think looking for a specific trigger in order to avoid or negate it is flawed logic when everything can be a so-called trigger.

I can, however, recognize triggers that send my mood spiraling downward, resulting in outbursts of despondency much like I had yesterday. Long-time followers of the blog have probably recognized patterns of general contentment followed by majorly low lows. When I go back and read some of my own writing, I myself am like "Wow, this person sounds like she needs an intervention."

SO new goal... try to minimize my exposure to these triggers, but recognize them when they occur and don't jump to "end of the world" thinking.

Yes, I have a lot of work to do on myself. Didn't I just acknowledge that last week? Twenty-two years of treating my body like shit isn't going to be reversed overnight.

This same podcast that had me all bent out of shape yesterday reminded me that it could take some time through trial and error to figure out the right dosage of thyroid meds to get me running optimally. The only way I'll know for sure what's going on is to go back for some additional blood testing now that I've been on the meds for a while - something I knew I'd have to do again, but have been putting off because, well, I'm a wimp.

And we'll see where it goes. If no improvement, then I'll know I may need to try not exercising for a while, but that's not something I need to worry about right this instant. Quitting running isn't an option for me right now since I still have a half marathon coming up in November. If I'm still struggling after the Avengers Half, then we'll try changing it up.

I just have a lot more work to do than most in order to be able to go the distance..

Status

I thought I was doing really well. I've got my eating under control. Still taking my thyroid meds. I even saw improvement in my morning body temperature for a solid week, which I thought meant better metabolism.

But now I'm back to low body temps, and still accomplishing nothing when I try to run. My right foot hurts every damn morning, reminding me it will probably never be the same after April's stress fracture.

Then I go reading stuff like this to help me figure out why I never improve at running, and it's so overwhelming because pretty much everything on that damn page applies and I don't know what to fix first.

And then I listen to podcasts like this one about hypothyroidism and hear that I shouldn't be exercising at all. WTF? How am I supposed to believe this after a lifetime of hearing diet and exercise is the path to health? My identity for quite some time has been bundled with hard core fitness routines, how am I supposed to just stop?

Maybe I should just care a little less. People are sometimes surprised by what they can achieve when they stop trying so hard. But not caring is not easy for me to do, either. I've always been taught to work for what I want.

How is it that I can be so disabled inside? It doesn't seem fair that I'm otherwise a productive, functioning member of society, but will never be able to have this one thing I want.

I thought maybe I'd be getting closer once I beat my eating disorder, but no. Not binge eating isn't enough.

It's not enough.

I'm not enough.

Will I ever be enough?

For every step forward I take, it seems I always find a way to go two steps back.

Drive

I think I've lost my mojo.

I'm just not feeling any compulsion to do any of the classic "Nicole" stuff lately. I had a great time in Colorado since I last wrote, had some more adventures at Disney yesterday, but... meh.

I don't want to write.

I don't want to run.

And I don't feel guilty for not wanting to do either of these things. Weird.

I didn't early register for the runDisney Princess Half Marathon two weeks ago. That used to be a "bucket list" race. I love runDisney. And one of the perks of living in Florida now is that I can do these races without having to fly anywhere to do them (disregard my desire this year to earn a "Coast to Coast" challenge medal - attainable only by running a half marathon at Disney World and a half marathon at Disneyland in the same calendar year - and my subsequent registration for the Avengers Half Marathon in California in November).

Also, a perk of being a Disney annual passholder is the ability to register a week earlier than everybody else for runDisney races. I'm not known to pass up on perks.

But I let the early registration date pass.

Then I let the regular registration date pass.

So, no. I'm not going to be running the Princess Half Marathon.

And I'm feeling really apathetic about the runDisney race I am registered for right now.

I don't even feel the need to analyze why I'm feeling this way, as I've done so heavily in the past.

But let's do a little analysis anyway.  Maybe it will help my old self return.

1. Pokémon Go. I've gotta catch 'em all. There's no time for running when I've got to strategize Team Instinct's rise to glory.
2. Altitude sickness. I woke up every morning with a sore throat in Colorado and chalked it up to being well above sea level. But nah, I really was sick. Still fighting off the cold even now that I'm home.

Honestly, though, these two things aren't to blame. They certainly aren't helping, but I've been feeling pretty indifferent about what used to be a lifetime goal even before I left for my short vacation and before the game was even released in the App Store.

I know the real reason. And for the first time, I don't want to publicly share. Because maybe this is only a phase. Maybe it's not permanent. And maybe I'll be back to doing typical "Nicole" things tomorrow.

Don't misunderstand. I am very content with life right now. I'm ok with not caring.

It's just... while I know why I'm feeling a lack of interest about the race, I'm not sure I understand why I'm ok not caring about it.

Blogroll the 12th

The EMP treatments at my doctor last week definitely made a difference. I went for a 5 mile treadmill run on Saturday with no side effects! So now I just need to work on re-adjusting to waking up early again for exercise... and the pain of waking up early is far greater than the pain I ever felt in my foot.

Some things I've been reading this week:

Train Like an Athlete:

• 3 tips that can save you from running injuries. Now they tell me.
• The best half marathons to get a PR. Guess which one is on the list. No pressure.
• 7 holistic techniques for losing weight. I consistently do about 3 or 4 of these things, so maybe you need to do all 7 for it to actually work.
• Weight management for runners. Summary: I won't be able to get faster AND lose weight at the same time. Depressing.

Eat Like an Athlete: 

• This woman's Whole 30 story sounds familiar. I'd pick it up again but... wine.
• 5 things I wish people knew about binge eating disorder. 
• How to break free of emotional overeating. 
• Should you fast before working out? I usually do since I'm working out first thing in the morning, but it hasn't really done much for me.

Think Like an Athlete: 

• Getting healthy habits to stick (I downloaded the "Way of Life" app recommended in this article to track some new habits I want to form. It's an ok app - if you know of a better one, please let me know in the comments!)
• 4 steps to letting go of fear to realize your dreams. 
• Introvert doodles.
• Chronic stress leads to anxiety - interesting findings in recent research on mice.

Sleep Like an Athlete:

• If you could pick the right foods to get the best sleep, wouldn't you?
• 5 reasons you're tired all of the time and what to do about it.

Back in the Game

I've had about as stressful a week as it gets with work. And remember... I work from home, so you know it's gotta be real bad if work is getting to me.

And next week's not looking much better.

I just feel like it's one "ugly" thing after another for me. Death in the family. Sidelined by an injury. Not actually meeting the goal I set when I began this blog. And now feeling stifled by a job I used to love.

Things are very different for me now than they were just two months ago.

Come on, man. I know life is better than this.

So this weekend has been all about fun for me.

1. I went to an NHL Playoff game (first time ever!) between the Tampa Bay Lightning and the Pittsburgh Penguins last night. And last night was intense, but ended with a victory for my Bolts. (Sorry, extended family. I know most of you are Penguins fans but I didn't grow up watching hockey, and I've had a ton of fun going to Lightning games this season. So I've gotta claim them as my team.)
2. I went back to Crossfit for the first time since August today. I was an avid crossfitter in 2014 but found myself injured every other month, which didn't play well with my 5k, 10k, and half marathon race schedule that year. So I dropped it for a while. I had a blast this morning, and am still riding the biggest thrill - that my poor injured right foot actually put up with it. It's a good sign that I may actually be able to pick up running again this week! I'll share more about crossfit in a future post, but it felt good to be back in the game.
3. I went to Star Wars day at the Replay Amusement Museum, a local arcade where you pay one fee to get in, and all of the pinball machines and arcade games are on free play. I like pinball well enough, but I love all of the old school 80's arcade games. Particularly this one:



He wouldn't let me play, though. Think Vader would approve of a stormtrooper playing a Return of the Jedi machine?



4. I'm going back to Disney tomorrow. First time in over a month. I feel like I'm returning to the scene of a crime. But I don't think it's going to take much for Disney and I to be friends again. Maybe just one drop from the Tower of Terror.

It feels good to be "me" again.

Today's exercise: Crossfit "Team Wod" - 200 m relay, 100 pwr cleans, 100 pullups (yeah right... ring rows), 100 s2oh, 200 m relay.

Blogroll the 10th

Slammed at work. No time to think or write. At least I can still find a few minutes in my day to read...

Train Like an Athlete:

• I've definitely given myself plenty of days off from training at this point.
• I want to go back to crossfit, especially because of point #6 - just really need to make sure my stress fracture is completely healed.
• Leave your shoes at home next time you go for a run.
• Maybe you need to strength train less than you think.

Eat Like an Athlete: 

• All of these have been staples in my diet (I even started regularly taking maca this week). So now what am I supposed to eat?!
• Oh, here's what I'm supposed to eat.
• Well, that settles it. Never giving up coffee.
• But I'd love to give up sugar... only it seems to be much harder for me even beyond 48 hours.

Think Like an Athlete: 

• I haven't been able to keep up with meditation consistently, but I do have to walk my dog every morning.
• How to stop obsessing about body weight and food.
• Resilience should be the end goal... not necessarily happiness.

Sleep Like an Athlete:

I've got nothing to share here. Sleeping is like my favorite thing to do these days, but...

Alright, break over. Back to work.

Dr. Paleo

I think my new doctor and I are going to be good friends.

I'm so relieved. My health insurance is pretty restrictive about who I call my primary care physician, and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to find an in-network doctor who reads a lot of the same stuff I do. I did a lot of research over the last few months, and as luck would have it, found a possible match within a 3-minute bike ride from where I live. I made an appointment right away, but had to reschedule a few times because of my unplanned trip to NJ at the end of April.

I arrived at my scheduled time today, a little bit nervous about having to rehash to yet another doctor my entire life history, eating disorder and all. I didn't want to be told to stop running again, or walk out with another antidepressant prescription.

When he walked into the room, I made some immediate judgments. He's probably the oldest doctor I've had in my lifetime. Definitely not right out of med school (although he later told me he actually didn't even go to med school until he was 40, which reminded me it's never too late in life to do the things I really want to do). I almost didn't want to tell him my list of... quirks... because I was fairly certain he would have me institutionalized by the end of our conversation.

But I took a breath and gave him the full story, including all of my beliefs about food addiction, my on-again/off-again relationship with the paleo lifestyle, and how I'm currently just exhausted by life.

And when I ended my story on the verge of tears, he smiled at me and told me his nickname was "Dr. Paleo" and that he was absolutely certain he could help me.

So I left with a request for lab work, a recommendation to look into the GAPS Diet by Natasha Campbell-McBride, and a little less skepticism about doctors.

Awesome. The only thing I didn't like? I had to be weighed today.

The face I make when they tell me I have to get on the scale.

I haven't stepped on a scale in ages. And what I saw today was shocking... not in a good way.

Maybe I should have asked for that Zoloft refill after all.

Saving my year

2016 was supposed to be my year. It doesn't seem to be working out that way. I look back on some of the things I wrote around Christmas last year and wish I could go back and have a realistic conversation with myself.

I know we're not even halfway through the year yet, but given the events of the last month, it's going to take something really epic to feel better about life right now. Maybe that would be finally running a sub 2 half marathon. But truthfully, I think even that's not going to be enough.

Either way, I've got to put the Dark Side behind me and start looking forward to Super Heroes Weekend in November. It's exactly six months from today.

Three concerns:

1. Travel: I anticipate needing to travel more frequently over the next six months, which interrupts the routine I've built for myself here in Florida.
2. Weather. Those who ran the inaugural Avengers race last year had a miserable time. Hoping weather patterns change for this year's race. This is a minor concern compared to:
3. Injury. Almost a month has passed since I ran the Dark Side half, and my foot still isn't healed. 

It's killing me to not be able to go out for a run. I know I should look beyond running to improve my fitness levels, but I just don't enjoy anything as much as running.

To be frank, everything I'm doing right now isn't giving me much enjoyment. My husband suggested we go to Disney this weekend, and ... for the first time ever... I said no.

I need a hero to rescue my year. I'll take Thor, please. Or even Captain America.

(Ok, really... I'd prefer Ant-Man. Always go with the guy who makes you laugh:) 

For Four Moms

I'm one mom short this year on Mother's Day. Stupid melanoma. You are supposed to be one of the least lethal cancers. Why'd you have to take my stepmom?

Before the events of the last month, I'd always joke about having four moms. Both my husband and I are children of divorce - and subsequent remarriages - so that's four moms and their high expectations I need to live up to. Four moms that want grandbabies, damn it.  Four moms that all raise their eyebrows in the same way when I talk about my latest hardcore fitness regimen.

Holidays always created tremendous anxiety because I knew we'd be disappointing three out of four families - we just couldn't make it to see everybody since they were so spread out over three states. But come on, Moms. Is our presence really all that exciting?

I thought moving to Florida might give us a free pass from holiday guilt, but nope. I think we lost some brownie points for trying to escape.

Planning a wedding with four moms? I was just glad to have enough room on the guest list for my own friends. And having all four in the same room at once? The thought caused me so much anxiety, I almost gave up on the very idea of marriage.

But I'm glad I didn't. Because having four moms is also so, so awesome.

Especially when they behave themselves for my benefit. I never thought THIS - stepmom, father, me, and mother... smiling even - would EVER be a photo.

My mother-in-law, with her counseling background, is SO easy to talk to. My stepmother-in-law knows a ton about health, and shares my own preference for life in the warm, sunny south. My stepmother got to know me as well as my own mother did, and treated me as the daughter she always wanted. And as for my own mother, her generosity knows no bounds. I get all of the nurturing, guidance, and support that only a mother can provide... times four.

Well, I guess times three now.

When I found out how sick Becky was and needed to return to NJ right away, my own mother immediately jumped in to let me know I could be with my father as long as I needed to - she'd take care of my pets, my plants, and my house. My nearest in-laws drove over an hour in traffic to be with my family for the wake, and my distant in-laws texted me every day and sent flowers to my dad.

So while I grieve for the loss of my stepmom this Mother's Day, I also find great comfort in remembering that I was... and still am... so lucky to have had these four women in my life.

Happy Mother's Day to all the awesome moms out there.