Chemotherapy

With my first surgery complete, and the discovery that my lymph nodes were clear, my oncologist was finally able to give my cancer stage: 2A, which based on size of the lump and the fact that zero lymph nodes were impacted. It's conearly-stagely stage cancer, which is a relief, but wasn't going to exclude me from having to undergo chemotherapy. It's the only treatment available for triple-negative breast cancer, and starting chemo sooner rather than later gives you the best shot of achieving good outcomes.

I don't really know what that means for me, exactly. Given that my lymph nodes were clear and that I had a mastectomy, I'm not sure what they are expecting to find at the end of treatment. I'm still going to have to keep my fingers crossed that I won't have a recurrence - I understand the five-year mark is a good goal to reach, as it will be unlikely I will have a recurrence if it doesn't happen within five years. So... fingers crossed, I guess.

My oncologist described the chemotherapy regimen I'd be undertaking - eight rounds, spaced out every two weeks. The first four treatments would include adriamycin and cyclophosphamide, followed by four rounds of taxol. He also described the common side effects and when I could expect them:

1. Hair loss would begin within the first few days of treatment. I could expect to be completely bald within two to three weeks. 
2. Nausea and vomiting would be the worst two to three days after treatment. 
3. Constipation and fatigue would be ongoing.
4. Some patients also see weakening of the heart, called cardiomyopathy. 
5. Compromised immune system: Chemo doesn't differentiate between cancer cells and healthy cells, and knocks out your white blood cells, which are key in fighting infections.

So I would have to stay away from notoriously "germy" places like:

• Gyms
• Buffets
• Disney World

Guys, you know how much I love Disney, right? My annual pass expired in August - it's the first time I haven't renewed it since we moved down to Florida. And the months of October, November, and December are extra magical as Disney preps for the holidays, so I'm sad to be missing out.

I had also been planning on doing a Disney Halloween-themed cruise to Bermuda with some friends and family in October. Disney Cruises are my absolute favorite vacation, and I had been planning this particular trip with the family since June of 2017. Since the trip was planned for the time right in the middle of chemotherapy, I had to back out of it. Glad the rest of the family still went, though. Wouldn't want my cancer to get in the way of their fun. 

Anyway, as much as the side effects all sound like a blast, I forced myself to look forward to treatment. I understood time was of the essence. The only problem was that I had to be completely healed from my surgery before starting since chemo could interfere with the healing process and put me at increased risk of infection. 

So my oncologist and I set a tentative start date for chemo for August 16, about one month after surgery, to allow time for healing. My husband arranged to be home from work that week so that he could go to that appointment with me... and when the time came, we bravely marched over to the doctor's office together.

Only to have him take a look at my surgical scar and determine I wasn't ready to begin. He postponed treatment one more week, which was unfortunate because Ben would be back on the road for work. And again, I knew starting sooner rather than later was important.

But now that I know how much the side effects kick my butt, I guess I'm grateful that I didn't start on the 16th and got to enjoy my 38th birthday on August 20th pretending to be normal. 

Scary AF

I've been feeling very fatigued lately from chemotherapy. It's even a chore to think about writing. Where did I leave off from two weeks ago? Oh yeah...

Going through a major surgery is scary AF.

I had only ever been operated on twice. I had a tonsillectomy when I was three years old, and
broke my arm when I was six. I suppose I could thank my lucky stars this hasn't been a regular occurrence in my adult life, but forgive me if I'm not feeling in a particularly grateful mood.

There were three thoughts about my surgery that brought tears to my eyes when nobody was looking:

1. Something is going to go wrong during surgery and I'm not going to make it.
2. I AM going to make it out of surgery, only to find that the cancer has spread and my days are numbered. 
3. Even if I do make it out of surgery - and they don't find any contaminated lymph nodes - I still have to go through four months of chemotherapy. Plus I'll never be a whole person again.

 

My husband and I tried to do as many fun things as we could in order to keep my mind off of it. We used up some casino credits for a really nice dinner and some fun at the Hard Rock Casino in Tampa the weekend before surgery. And the night before, I had suggested a Marvel movie marathon - both Ant-Man and The Avengers: Infinity War were in the theaters still, and although we had already seen both of them, I thought it would be fun to stay up all night watching them again. I forgot that we're getting old, though, and only made it through one movie (Ant-Man) before we decided to go home and go to sleep.

My report time to the hospital the next day was 8am. There were three rounds of tears for me that morning - once, right after the alarm woke me and I recalled what day it was. Then again at the hospital as the nurse was prepping me for surgery. My husband and mother were present and it was nice to have the company, but I really didn't want to break down in front of them. I cried a third time after I was wheeled to the pre-op area, after saying goodbye to my husband and mother. Luckily, the nurse in the pre-op area had a really helpful sense of humor. I was grateful for the drugs he gave me to relax me a bit. I remember being wheeled to the surgery room around noon - small, white, crowded. A few of the nurses introduced themselves to me, but that was the last thing I remember before falling asleep.

The next thing I knew, I heard "Wake up, Nicole!" from an unfamiliar voice and some murmuring about getting my husband from the waiting area. I've said it before, but I'll say it again - anesthesia is a wonderful, wonderful thing. The whole operation was a little over six hours and then they kept me overnight in observation. I didn't sleep much, as nurses kept waking me up to check on me, offer painkillers, and other fussing around. I almost didn't want to go home the next day, but they don't usually keep you overnight at the hospital anymore, so I was lucky to at least get one night. Yes, a mastectomy is considered an outpatient procedure these days. Isn't that crazy? Stupid insurance. That's a story for another day I guess.

The good news was that I learned that twelve lymph nodes were taken during surgery, and all of them were free and clear of cancer.

The bad news? Surgery would actually be the easiest part of treating my cancer.

Garmin Piece of Junk

The last time I ran was the Disney Princess Half Marathon in February. That would also be the last time I wore my Garmin Forerunner 230, the "trusty" running watch I got for myself shortly after I decided to take up heart rate training in 2015.

Man, has the watch been a disappointment this year. The day before the Princess 10k, I put my watch on and the little band that holds the excess watch strap broke. Luckily, I was able to improvise using a Disney Annual Passholder 2014 band decoration for the race.

But then I quit running after that race. I'm not really sure if I'll ever be able to take it up again because I'm just so freaking uncomfortable right now. I have tissue expanders in the place where my left breast used to be. My plastic surgeon and breast surgeon operated on me the same day back in July - the whole procedure, which I refer to as "demolition" and "reconstruction," took about six hours. Apparently, I had to be intubated and was given a catheter. Anesthesia is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

So since July, I've had the tissue expanders in place, and have had to go for a few "fillings." This will create space for the plastic surgeon to give me an implant after I'm finished with chemotherapy. You can imagine this is not a very "comfortable" process.

I don't know if running will ever be a part of my life again. The TE is extremely awkward, and I just generally don't feel good most days while on chemotherapy, so running is right out. I also need to avoid gyms and other places that are germ breeding grounds since my immune system is compromised.

While I'll be able to go back to the gym after chemotherapy is over, I doubt I'm going to feel any more comfortable and excited about running after having an implant.

Meanwhile, I can't just sit around and be inactive, even during this trying experience that is going through chemotherapy. So I've been trying to get at least a walk in daily, and I was reminded yesterday that my Garmin could keep track of my step count. I thought it might be best for me to try to get 10k steps in every day.

So I charged up my watch, put it on, and then this happened:

Cheap watch strap snapped right in half. You can also see the Disney Passholder charm I was using to hold it together before this happened. 

I just can't catch a break. Going to see if I can buy a replacement watch strap now.

Rant of the day: Hurricanes (Again)

See, this is exactly what I'm afraid of. That - even with everything I've been through - the worst isn't over. Things aren't going to get any better.

I'm stepping away from telling my cancer story today to rant about hurricanes again. Lord knows I've earned the right to rant.

My family and I are fine, btw. We live further down the Gulf Coast, and while there were storm surge warnings in our area, there really was very little impact down here. But my God. My heart goes out to everyone in the panhandle.

So let's all give a big "F* You" to hurricanes and do the following, in order:

1. Give all you can to help the victims of hurricanes. There's plenty of organizations out there that can use the help, but if you need a suggestion, I like the Red Cross and Team Rubicon. 
2. Support organizations that are working to protect the planet and combat climate change, like The Sierra Club. Then monitor your own consumption - remember, we should all "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle" in that exact order. 
3. VOTE. For the love of Pete, vote as hard as you can in November. We can't let things continue this way.

Plan of attack

The days following my cancer diagnosis were some of the longest, hardest days I had to endure (and that includes the days I've experienced chemotherapy). I felt lost and overwhelmed, torn between the three miserable choices I had for treatment, knowing that making the wrong decision would have an impact on the long and fulfilling life I've envisioned for myself. I tried to read as much as I could about triple negative breast cancer on the internet to help guide me in the right direction, but it was tough reading. The outlook is not nearly as good compared to other types of cancers.

I thought I would wait for the results of my genetic test to come back before making a decision on surgery and treatment, as a positive result would encourage me to think more strongly about having a double mastectomy, but my insurance company denied the testing procedure. Something about my having Jewish ancestry makes the procedure unnecessary because I'm already at high risk of developing breast cancer (well, obviously, because I already have cancer). I'd just like to say that whoever made the decision that genetic testing is unnecessary obviously hasn't been faced with having to make a choice between keeping one or both of their boobs. Although the genetic testing company would do the test eventually anyway at no expense to me (they want the data, of course), it just resulted in additional delays, and it really felt like every second I waited to make a decision on treatment was acting against me.

Meanwhile, I had to start making phone calls to friends and family about my diagnosis. The first was to my mother, of course. Having been through this herself when she was just 32 years old, she's been my best supporter and ally. Of course, she's also been very adamant that I should follow in her exact footsteps as she's about to turn 60 this year and has had no recurrence. Mastectomy, chemo, radiation, two years of a crazy vitamin regimen... on the one hand, I wanted to believe that there's been better breakthroughs in cancer research in 28 years that I wouldn't have to do exactly what she did, but on the other hand I was grateful that I have a role model that has lived through this to give me hope that I'm going to be just fine.

But every call after that was much harder. It's just a depressing conversation... I felt like I was ruining everybody's day, even though I tried to sound as optimistic as possible by reminding people that I've got both my mother and grandmother to look up to as cancer survivors all these years later.

There was one call I almost didn't make - the one to my father. He lost his second wife, my stepmother, to cancer in 2016, right after I ran the Dark Side Challenge which was the race that prompted me to start this blog. She was only 60 years old, it all felt very sudden and unexpected, and it has left my father in a bad place ever since. He wakes up every day wondering what bad news will befall our family, and I knew his thoughts would immediately jump to the death of my stepmother instead of the long, healthy life my own mother has had after cancer. But I knew I needed the support of my entire family behind me. Maybe it was selfish to tell him. I know he worries every day about me. But if he didn't know... he wouldn't understand why I wasn't feeling well most days, or why I wasn't traveling anywhere, or why maybe I wouldn't be up for having him down for a visit, or why I'd be bald. I can't keep all of that a secret, right?

One week after my diagnosis, I did receive some good news. Remember that enlarged lymph node my surgeon did a biopsy on? It came back clear. It didn't necessarily rule out that cancer had spread, but was still somewhat comforting. It became clear to me that I could eliminate one of my choices from surgery - double mastectomy. There was no reason at that time to remove a healthy breast and have a more complex surgery that could possibly delay chemotherapy. I can always opt to have that surgery down the road if I want to.

So that left me with either pursuing what I've read as the best option according to the internet (neoadjuvant chemotherapy followed by lumpectomy) or following in the footsteps of living proof of something that worked in my own family (mastectomy followed by chemotherapy).

And on July 17th, I said goodbye forever to my left breast and what will hopefully be goodbye forever to cancer.

My mother took this photo as they were wheeling me away to surgery. I thought it was fairly ridiculous that she wanted to capture that moment, but I have to say I like that I don't look too bent out of shape, all things considering.

Next steps

The thing with cancer is that nobody tells you what to do.

When I went in to see my surgeon the day I got the results of my biopsy via email, I expected her to lay out the exact plan of attack. I wanted her to tell me exactly what to do for my best chance of survival and give me my action steps.

But she didn't do that. Instead, she gave me "options." Leaving me to make decisions about extending my life that frankly I'm ill-equipped to make.

What the hell do I know about cancer?

The only thing that was made clear to me was that at some point, I was going to need to undergo chemotherapy. The biopsy showed a triple negative cancer - meaning hormones weren't driving it, and tamoxifen is not an option. If you google triple negative breast cancer, you'll find some scary shit. It's particularly gnarly and aggressive. So chemo was a must.

But how and when chemo would happen would be dependent on how I wanted to remove the tumor. Here were my options as presented to me by my surgeon:

Option 1: Double mastectomy (I remember my reaction: "You want to take both of them???") - given the diagnosis and higher chance of recurrence, I could choose to have both breasts removed at the same time. Pros: getting all surgeries done at the same time - but there's no definitive evidence this prevents recurrence. So why do people do it? Peace of mind maybe? Cons: obviously, having 0.0 boobs is not ideal. Plus you have to wait until you are fully healed to begin chemotherapy, which is of the utmost importance. If anything goes awry with the surgery (infection at the surgical sites), chemo would need to be delayed which is not good.

Option 2: Single mastectomy - Just remove the broken boob. Pros and cons are similar to having a double mastectomy, except you are only losing one breast and the surgery is less complex so hopefully you'd heal sooner with no problems and begin chemotherapy asap. This is what my mother had done so many years ago, and was the option she was pushing for me to do.

Option 3: Neoadjuvant chemotherapy with a lumpectomy to happen at the end of treatment - There would be a chance to save the broken boob by going this route. I google'd the hell out of triple negative cancer and it seemed this was a popular approach given how important chemotherapy is in the treatment of this type of cancer. With this approach, chemotherapy is given before surgery. The tumor actually shrinks as a result of chemo, making removal a little bit easier. Pros: Starting chemotherapy sooner results in a better prognosis, and you have visible confirmation treatment is working because your tumor shrinks. Plus, who wouldn't want to save their boob? Cons: You're living with an intact tumor in your body for a longer period of time. You also won't know your cancer staging and whether or not cancer has spread to the lymph nodes until surgery actually occurs. You also risk not getting cancer-free surgical margins with a lumpectomy.

So I couldn't really take any next steps until I made a decision about surgery. My surgeon couldn't give me any information about staging - that would happen after surgery once they removed some lymph nodes to see if the cancer had spread. She did share that they could see an enlarged lymph node on my ultrasound and suggested performing a biopsy that day on that particular lymph node to check. If positive, we'd know sooner rather than later if it had spread. If negative, we'd still be unclear on staging as they'd have to check all of the "sentinel lymph nodes" as they are called to be sure it hadn't spread.

Of course I said yes, even though biopsies suck. I also provided some blood for genetic testing as it had been a few years since my mother had completed testing and maybe there were some new findings since then. A positive result could help me lean towards double mastectomy. But overall, I left her office feeling overwhelmed by the fact I really had no clear plan for treatment.

She did refer me to an oncologist, at least, whom I met with later that week. He - just like my surgeon - wouldn't tell me what to do, but suggested if I were his wife/daughter/sister/mother, he'd encourage a double mastectomy. But, as I understand it, oncologists are scared shitless of triple negative cancers so I think they all lean towards the most aggressive approaches.

It took two weeks to make an official plan for treatment - and it was the longest two weeks of my life.

Bad things happen in threes

So let's recap - last September, I feared it was the "End of Days" with Hurricane Irma pounding down on my city in Florida. In October, I feared for my ability to continue being a productive member of society after I learned my job was being eliminated. Scary stuff, eh? But if you've been following along, you know each of those scenarios ended up being a-ok in the end. The hurricane did 0.0 damage to me and my family, and I was offered employment again in April with the company that laid me off, with a start date of mid-June, giving me some ample time to rest and recharge from all of the networking and interviewing I did to desperately seek new employment. 

And then May 22nd of this year came and that's when I felt the lump. And I knew. Life was not about to cut me some slack.

I was in the shower and had an itch on my upper left chest, so I scratched it. There was a firmness that felt unfamiliar to me. I quickly felt around my upper right chest to confirm that something was off, and I could feel the blood drain from my face. 

Breast cancer. It's a family curse. My mother was the first to be diagnosed when she was just 32 years old. I was only 11 at the time, and remember very little about the trials and tribulations she had to go through: being newly divorced, "single-momming" it up, while running her own business and going through multiple surgeries, chemotherapy, and radiation. Not long after she was diagnosed, my Grams in her 60's also received the cancer sentence, although hers was caught much earlier than my mother's and she did not have to go through as much in the way of treatment. 

I had always assumed in my 20's that the same ill fate would befall me in my 30's. It's one of the reasons I shaved my head during my stint on Semester at Sea - I figured knowing what I looked like bald ahead of time would make it less traumatic in the event I would ever need to go through chemotherapy. 

From Vietnam

I had my first mammogram at age 32, the same age my mother was when she was diagnosed, and it came back clear. Shortly after that, Angelina Jolie made headlines for having a double mastectomy because she tested positive for cancer genes. I thought that surely I too had the genes, and should consider following in Angelina's footsteps. I went to see a genetic counselor, who encouraged me to talk to my mother about having genetic testing completed. I would have done it myself, but the counselor suggested it was preferred for the actual cancer survivor to have the testing done first to determine if it is even necessary for the relatives. 

My mother, who thought I was nuts to be considering having a prophylactic double mastectomy, volunteered to have the genetic tests completed, and we were both relieved at the time to find her results came back negative. The genetic counselor agreed there was no reason for me to consider testing, and I took it a step further and made the decision to save myself some money and forget going back for any more mammograms. I suppose now that may have been a mistake. 

Anyway, on that day I found my lump, I didn't sleep much. I had an appointment with my primary care doctor on the schedule within two weeks, so I decided to wait it out to get a referral for a mammogram. She not only referred me out for a mammogram, but also immediately put me in touch with a breast care surgeon in our area. 

I needed multiple appointments to get my diagnosis - the surgeon performed an ultrasound, sent me out for my mammo and MRI, then did a biopsy on the lump. It was tough juggling starting my brand new job in June with all of the doctor's appointments I needed just to get a diagnosis, but I scheduled appointments at lunchtime and at the end of the day when I could, and just explained to my boss that some of these things could not wait. She was understanding and supportive, but man... being the "needy" one is not the position you want to be in when you start working for someone new. 

And then I got an email from Quest Diagnostics on June 25th at 2pm, 2 hours before I was to meet up with my surgeon again. Yup, email delivered the news. The results of my biopsy were in. 

Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. Grade 3. Triple Negative. A bunch of things I didn't fully understand, except for the word "carcinoma."

And thus begun my cancer "fight."

 

Rant of the day: Elections

Ok, before you go all #firstworldproblems on me, just hear me out.

I've voted in like 80 different elections here in Florida this year. Ok, there's only been 3, but still.

I've lived in multiple parts of the country, and every other state seems to do it more efficiently - put lots of stuff on the ballot at the same time, most likely in November, unless you are California and you recall your governor so that Arnold Schwarzenegger can serve.

Wow, I couldn't be further off Blog topic right now. We'll get back to regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.

The end of my career

Fast forward three weeks to Monday, October 2. I booted up my work laptop from home, as I had done every Monday morning since becoming a full-time remote employee, and was greeted with an instant message from my co-worker in Michigan. "Something bad is happening," she said, and named a few of my peers that had been pulled into meetings with human resources that morning. "And they just took Mike."

I froze. Mike held the same job title as me. If he was being let go, it meant I was next.

"God, I hope I am wrong and they aren't laying off everybody," came her next message.

I went about my own business for the next twenty minutes until I saw Mike's green light appear on his instant messenger. I wrote him a quick note - "I understand today is a bad day. Got a sec to talk?" He said yes and I gave him a call.

He confirmed the bad news - that his position was eliminated effective end of year. "They shared 40 other people are being let go due to a reorganization," he said. "I don't know who they are, they just gave me a sheet of job grades and ages (a requirement to prove nondiscrimination, I guess), so you may still be safe," he shared.

But as he finished that exact sentence, an incoming call came in. "I gotta go," I said to Mike. "It's them..." He wished me luck and I clicked over to the other line to hear from a director I barely knew and an HR rep I didn't know at all that my position was being eliminated come end of the year.

I barely heard the details of my terms of severance. All I could think about was how long I had served this company, how stupid they were to get rid of someone like me with so much institutional knowledge, how I might never find another job here in Florida, at least not one that paid what I needed to earn and allowed me to still work from home full time. And how cruel could they be to do this to someone who just went through the scariest thing in her life at that point in Hurricane Irma?

Over the next three months, I went through every emotion that comes with loss. I was furious. I was in denial, thinking something was going to change and they'd see how much they needed me. At times, I was relieved to be getting out... thinking about those who had managed to keep their jobs but were somehow going to have to figure out how to do the work of 40 people that had just been let go. But mostly, I was sad to think that this chapter of my life was ending, and my time with an employer that I loved... even though I didn't always love the job... was ending.

I began applying for a few jobs half-heartedly, focusing my search on positions that allowed remote work arrangements. I also applied for a new job that had been created as a result of the reorganization with my company, but was notified on Christmas Eve that I didn't get it. The fact that they dragged the interviews out from October through November and then didn't notify me until Christmas Eve... what a holiday gift, eh? It's hard to this day to forgive how they treated me during that time.

December 29th came faster than I was ready for, and I found myself packing up my computer equipment and shipping it back to the company. And then 2018 came, and I found myself - for the first time ever - facing unemployment.

The job search was... painful. As an introvert, networking and interviews drain the heck out of me, yet that became my daily life. I thought - without work weighing me down - I might actually be able to focus on health and running (remember, I had signed up for the Princess Half Marathon last year thinking I was going to be able to get the pink coast-to-coast challenge medal, but we know that didn't work out as planned), but I didn't get anywhere closer to meeting my health goals during that time.

In all those months of searching, I did manage to earn one job offer in March - for 30% less than I was making at my former employer, and no chance of a work-from-home arrangement. I couldn't sleep that night after the offer, dreading saying "yes" but fearing that I'd be losing out on the only opportunity I'd ever have for gainful employment again. But something in my gut told me it wasn't right, and I spent all night "upping my game" so to speak. I created a personal resume website, and immediately started looking for jobs that I knew would pay me what I'm worth and give me a chance to work at home again. I went to my old employer's website, and found a posting on one of the old teams I used to work for. Sure, it wasn't a marketing job, but it had a great shot of giving me the right salary and would be a full-time remote job. I sent an email at 4:43am to an old colleague of mine asking for some inside info on the job, and applied the next day.

I then politely declined the offer I had received, butterflies floating in my stomach the entire time, worrying I was blowing my one shot for decent work. I know today that was the right choice... because within one month, I was given the offer for the job I had applied to with my former employer.

And, just like Irma, one of the scariest moments in my life had finally had some closure with a very happy ending. But two weeks after I started my new job, I received my cancer diagnosis. It seemed like I was only picked up just to be knocked flat on my face once again.

Part 2

I drove into sheets of torrential rain, and could barely see through the windshield. As if that wasn't bad enough, that horrible noise of the Emergency Broadcast System came across the radio, three screeches followed by a long tone and then the announcement of tornado warnings in multiple counties.

Tornado warnings. Unfortunately, nobody in my family ever took the time to learn the Florida counties outside of where we lived. We were clueless as to whether or not a twister was going to form right in front of our eyes, and the ferociousness of the storm we were driving through all made us silently ask ourselves the same question:

Had I evacuated my family right into their doom?

There were only two other cars on I-95 with me, and I watched them both take an immediate exit, wondering if they knew something I didn't. Even if we were to exit, where would we go? We had no idea where we could find shelter near Jacksonville.

I couldn't find a photo of the radar of the exact time we were driving up near Jacksonville, but here's what it was right before we left St. Petersburg... So I think we had been driving most of the morning in Irma's armpit there where it was clear. I was just the lucky one that got to drive right through her arm.

I was chased by another Emergency Broadcast System warning within a half hour... more tornadoes. I didn't think we were going to make it to Georgia. Ben downloaded the NOAA app to help determine if there was going to be an end to the chaos, and when. He saw that it was going to clear up for us if we could just go a little further, so I pushed through, squeezing the steering wheel so hard that my hands went numb.

As you already know, we eventually broke free of Irma. Driving across the border into Georgia brought us away from the tornados, but into a new challenge... finding gas. We knew we could probably make it most of the way to Ben's stepmom's house, but wanted to spare her the trouble of having to meet us far from her home with a spare canister full if we could. The Gas Buddy app on the phone didn't give us much to be hopeful for, except for one lone gas station about 45 minutes beyond the border that had reported gas three hours earlier. We were lucky to find it still had fuel once we arrived.

So with stopping to find bathrooms, gas, and switch off drivers, we made it to Ben's stepmother's house about ten hours later, where she had really stepped up to prepare for the arrival of "Ben's Ark" as we were calling it. She had gone to all of her neighbors' houses to ask if we could borrow cages for the cats, had gone to PetSmart to pick up disposable litter pans, and even asked a neighbor to borrow a reclining chair since my disabled grandmother can't sleep in a regular bed. She had cooked us a meal of comfort food - chicken and rice, corn on the cob, crescent rolls, some cake for dessert. I mean... just giving us a place to sleep that wasn't in the path of a category 3 hurricane would have been enough. She really went out of her way to make sure we were comfortable.

I collapsed onto the couch in her living room and called my Dad to let him know I was ok. We didn't make many phone calls while on the road, as Grams's van didn't have a cell phone charger and we needed to ensure all of our phones had power in order to use GPS to get us to South Carolina and to help us find gas along the way.

I couldn't hold it together on the phone with him. I cried, although it wouldn't have been the first time that week. It certainly wouldn't be the last.

Although we could breathe a bit better now that we were safe, our minds drifted to how things were faring back home. We have a Ring video doorbell, so Ben used his phone to pull up the app, and we were surprised to see it was working, which meant we still had power and internet. We watched the storm view from our front porch for a few minutes, surprised to see palm trees still standing but blowing a bit violently in the wind. We crossed our fingers and went to bed, hopeful we'd be able to peek at a house still standing the next morning.

But the Ring app wasn't working the following morning, so we couldn't be certain what had happened overnight. And there was no news coming out of my grandmother's and mom's neighborhood, which was at the biggest risk of flooding. So we stayed with Ben's stepmom on Monday to allow Irma to pass through, but knew we needed to get back on the road heading home as soon as possible to assess any damage that had been done to our homes.

A few of our neighbors had returned home Monday night, and gave us the good news - the roads were open and it seemed that Irma had shifted and spared our city as a whole. Our house looked like it had made it through unscathed. So Tuesday, we hit the road as early as we could.

The drive home was even harder than the drive there, though. Although we had no traffic on our way out of Florida, we had to fight our way back in, facing a 13-hour drive in a hot car instead of what should have been an 8-hour drive. For some reason, Georgia shut down every exit on route 95, so there were no bathroom, gas, or food stops. How's that for southern hospitality?

To make matters worse, my grandmother kept complaining throughout the trip "Nobody listens to me, I knew nothing would happen, we never should have left..." But how can you really know nothing is going to happen?

And I'll reiterate - for those who are newcomers here - I don't wish to be criticized for not leaving sooner. I think we made the best possible decision with the hand we were dealt, and in the end, everything worked out just fine. Our homes - even Grams's and Mom's on the water - were just fine. Our pets were fine. We were fine.

I don't know how we got to be so damn lucky... this time. As we're sitting in the aftermath of Hurricane Florence that was so devastating for so many, I'm not fooling myself that Irma represents the last of my battles with hurricanes. When will it be my day to lose everything?

On Running for my Life

I suppose I'll start where I left off with Hurricane Irma. You might want to head back to this post from last year and re-read everything from September to refresh yourselves on my particular headspace in the days leading up to the hurricane, then come back here for the end of that chapter of my story.

So the last thing I wrote before the storm was that we received an update on Friday at 5pm that Irma was going to directly hit us. There were no changes to the forecast through Saturday, so we finished up making preparations at my mother's house (if you recall, my mother and grandmother live right on the bay and were under mandatory evacuation orders), brought her and my grandmother and all of their pets to our house, and then finished making our own house ready for the storm.

As the hours ticked by, we watched more and more of our neighbors leave. Many of our immediate neighbors in some of the newer construction households were staying, even with the threat of a direct hit. I guess it showed a lot of confidence in our builder, but Ben and I were skeptical they had strapped the roof down as planned. And even if our house was the fortress we were hoping it was, could it really withstand someone else's roof blowing into it? 

I hadn't really slept at all that week. And that Saturday evening... well, I had joked it was like going to bed on Christmas Eve... because you knew something big was coming. We all woke up at 6am that Sunday morning, although not sure if "woke up" is the right phrase to use if you haven't been sleeping. We were operating on pure adrenaline at that point.

A quick look at the news made me want to vomit. No change to Irma's path. Direct hit. Category 3. This video was shared on my husband's Facebook page. SO helpful.

Basically, this means St. Petersburg was over. And we had learned - in the middle of the night - the last of our neighbors, even the immediate neighbors I mentioned earlier, had skipped town.

My biggest fear was not about whether my mother, husband, or I could handle sticking around for the storm... it was whether my 90-year-old grandmother could. We knew that once the storm came, we wouldn't be able to get her medical help if she needed it. And depending on how bad the aftermath was, could we really care for her without power? Would it be too late to get her to an equipped shelter after the storm?

We quickly discussed the options remaining to us.

Option 1. Since my mom and grandmother lived in a mandatory evacuation zone, they were eligible to go to a special needs/pet-friendly shelter. The shelter would be able to get any medical help if needed. My husband hopped on his scooter (at 6:30 in the morning, mind you) to go scope the shelter out and get info about what they needed to do, and find out if we would be able to join them. 

The answer was no. We'd be split up. If communications went down, I would have no idea how they fared. And it killed me to send my mom and grams to a shelter with no comfortable bedding and just a cooler of food. Also, their pets would be taken from them and kept in a separate area. Now, my grams loves her dog, probably more than me and my mom. There was nothing comforting to me about this arrangement, other than that she'd have the basic needs to keep her alive. 

Imagining my mother and grandmother in the shelter with no way of communicating with us still chokes me up. I just can't.

Option 2. Run like hell to South Carolina, where Ben's stepmother lived. It was the nearest location of family members outside the path of Hurricane Irma (but - mind you - still in the path of Tropical Storm Irma). Because it was Hurricane Day, and there was no fuel to be found, the roads were clear (as relayed to us by our neighbors that had left earlier that morning). We did the mental math to determine if we could make it to SC based on the fuel that was in my Grams's minivan, and the gas we had set aside for our generator should the power go out during the storm.  

We decided on option 2, although Grams under protest. 

The next hour was a frenzy of literally throwing cats into carriers (we have 5 between my family, my mom, and my grams), packing clothes, and jumping into the car, my Grams complaining the whole time about sitting down to have a nice breakfast before we left. There's no time, Grams. We HAVE to go.

We were on the road by 9:00 am, heading east. We thought we had beat the storm, and figured once we were past Orlando, we'd be safe. After all, Irma was heading West, right? We traded off driving, taking two-hour shifts each with Ben driving first, then my mom. I took over near Jacksonville.

That's when we learned we may have waited too long to leave.

The last year

Let me summarize today what's been going on since 2017. I'll extrapolate about each of these awesomely terrible things in a future post.

Irma was pretty traumatic for me. The days leading up to it were absolutely frightening, and our last minute escape from Florida was particularly harrowing. Once things settled down in the days following, even though I knew how lucky we had all been, I just couldn't shake the "End of Days" feeling I had. With Hurricane Florence hanging out in the Carolinas this week, I'm feeling that general uneasiness again, even though I'm well outside the path. I just worry for all those who are in the path and hope they can claim the same good fortune I did after Irma.

But I didn't have good fortune after Irma. Just three weeks after the storm, a new storm brewed in my life. For the first time ever, I was facing unemployment. An employer I have served on and off again (by my own choice) in the last ten years had decided my services were no longer needed, and I'd be jobless come 2018. It was a crippling blow to my psyche - even though I didn't love the job I was doing, I loved the comforts it afforded me - the ability to work from home, something I had gotten used to and enjoyed as an introvert over the last three years, and a salary that allowed me to indulge my Disney addictions. I didn't like my job prospects for finding the same kind of work here in Florida.

Spoiler alert... I did eventually find new work. And I believed my luck was turning. But then, two weeks after I started my new job, I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer.



Oh, there's been running, too. St. Pete Run Fest... well, it happened and I "officially" got my sub-2 run. The Princess Run also happened. So more to come on those.

Thinking about coming back

It's the one year anniversary of Irma Eve.

The beginning of the end. I didn't know it at this time last year, but life was not about to cut me some slack after Irma.

So yes. I'm thinking about writing again. Sharing all the shit that's gone down in less than a 12 month period.

Except I don't own my domain name anymore. No more twitter. No more email. No way to really get the word out that I still exist. And nobody is really listening otherwise.

I guess this would just be... therapeutic... for me.

Don't worry, this story actually has a happy ending

I changed my mind. I'm not going to write about Irma anymore.

In fact, I'm not going to be writing about anything anymore.

I've got a real Dr. Jekyll and Hyde thing going on sometimes. Is there a pattern here? Cyclical? Dunno. Not that I've ever been like...

But the Hyde in me definitely seems to be making a lot more appearances as of late. And the only way to get rid of it is to start accepting that there are things I will never be able to change.

I'm coming to the realization that perhaps we've all been lied to. That there's a business out there of trying to get you to believe you can change and improve, because people tend to thrive on hope. And they like to think they are in control of their lives.

Because it can be very distressing to know things are out of your control when you aren't ready to know that. I'm pretty good proof of that.

So I'm short and fat and not an athlete. And when I tried to change that... and took drastic measures to do it... of course things went horribly wrong for me.

I've known for a long time I wasn't gifted with the right genetics. One of the biggest reasons I'm choosing not to have children of my own is I don't think anybody else should have to suffer being me. Or even being 50% me. And people think adults who don't want children are selfish. I think this is pretty damn selfless, don't you?

Anyway, I started thinking about everyone I know in real life and realized that nobody I know personally has ever made permanent, lasting change to their weight, or went from being a band geek to a super athlete. And I do happen to know a lot of people in real life. This is not a small sample size.

I wasn't being overdramatic when I said every success story you've ever read must be fake. They're either lies intended to get you to buy something or stories from naive people who are going to end up right back where they started.

Sorry, this is very Mr. Hyde of me. Let me get to the good news.

You don't have to suffer anymore. You can accept the cold, hard truth, as much as you may hate it, and just try not to let it ruin your enjoyment of the short time you have in life. Spend your energy on things you can actually control. That's what I'm going to do.

So the very few of you whom I know and shared RttDS with in real life and read this, I look forward to not ever saying anything about eating, sleeping, training, and thinking like an athlete again.

And those of you I don't know in real life who still keep coming back here for some reason, thanks for your loyalty. Save whatever external links you want in the next week because you won't be able to after October 6.

Overwhelmed

I went running this morning. It was my first time back out there since before Irma. Gosh, was that only two weeks ago? It feels like another lifetime.

At about mile 2, I entered the marina in my city - you know the one, where the friendly cat comes running with me for a bit (she wasn't there today) and sometimes I stop to take photos like this:

St. Petersburg Municipal Marina at Demens Landing

And I stopped running. And I cried.

Like, ugly cried.

I couldn't tell you exactly what emotion I was feeling though.

I wasn't sad. I knew everything was fine, that St. Pete made it through Irma ok. Less than two weeks have passed since the storm, and I noticed during the first mile of my run that there's barely a sign that anything happened. Just some large debris piles still waiting to be picked up by the city. And some houses that still have plywood or hurricane panels on their windows.

And I wasn't surprised. Or relieved exactly. Like I said, I knew everything was fine. We're all ok.

It was just making that left-hand turn into Demens Landing Park where the marina is, and seeing the sunrise and how beautiful everything is, and seeing all the boats just floating there like they normally are, and maybe I had a particularly emotion-invoking song playing on my iPhone at the time... just made me think of what might have been, and I still can't get over how fucking lucky we all are.

I eventually recovered enough to finish my run, although it wasn't great, but I wasn't expecting much from it today. I just have had a really hard time finding the energy to get back out there since Irma came, so this was an important step in becoming normal again. And I do still have a half marathon to train for.

So at some point I'm gonna tell you my family's escape story, for sure, but I need to throw something out there first. This is what I don't need to hear:

"I'm glad you are safe, but if it were me, I would have left sooner."

Awesome. Good for you. When you're staring down "End of Days," feel free to do whatever you want.

I've heard this from a few friends and family after telling them what happened. There was certainly pressure from some of our family members up north to leave sooner. But those who have said something to this extent do not know the circumstances we were facing, and definitely do not know my family dynamic as intimately as I do. Even my husband has only known my mother and grandmother for 15 years... not 37 like me. And he knows I struggled with this, especially the day before Irma hit. There were tears.

So I'm going to try to help you understand first and foremost exactly what was going on and why we didn't... couldn't... leave Florida sooner than we did. Consider the following:

1. Predictions: Let's say you live on the West Coast of Florida. Everything said Irma was going East. It was the East Coast that needed to evacuate. Wouldn't you have left the roads clear for the people who truly needed to get out? It wasn't until the Thursday before that things started shifting West... and that Friday 5pm update that St. Petersburg was looking at a direct hit. 
2. Your "Bunker:" Say you've got a secure house. Yet another reason to let the people who need to find shelter do what they need to do. Our house is secure. As I mentioned, we're out of the flood zone and we were serving as the evacuation point for my grandmother, mother, and their pets. Our first floor is concrete block (although the second story is wood). We also had impact windows installed last year. It killed me to take out perfectly good windows in our new construction home to do this, but our builder didn't offer an impact window option. They were required by the state to provide us with "hurricane panels" to cover our non-impact windows, which is great... but with my husband travelling a lot for work, I didn't want to be stuck in a position where I'd need to climb a ladder to install these panels on the second story of our house. I didn't really want him climbing ladders to do this either. So even though we had the impact windows, we still decided to put the hurricane panels on the first story of the house for added protection when we were planning for Irma. But... we're in a neighborhood where most of the houses are quite old. Even if our roof stays put during a category 3 hurricane (we're putting a lot of faith in our builder), our house isn't going to survive someone else's roof blowing into it. But again... see scenario 1... we weren't expecting to get hit that hard until everything changed Friday night. 
3. Traffic: There was a mass exodus from Florida. There are only two major roads out of the state, and everybody on the East Coast was trying to flee. My friend told me a story about people she knew from Miami who had a flight out of Orlando to evacuate - and even though they left at 2 am, it took them 10 hours to get there when it should normally take 3.5. They missed their flight and couldn't get on any others. So traffic was bad, sure, but maybe that would not have been enough to stop you from leaving sooner. So how about...
4. Fuel: There wasn't any by the end of the week. How are you going to go anywhere if you can't get gas?
5. Animals: Let's say you have a full gas tank and maybe some spare gas in canisters and you can handle the traffic. Who is going to take you in when you have 5 cats and 2 dogs with you? Nobody, that's who. Cats do not travel well. They each needed to be kept in separate carriers, which don't leave a lot of space left for 4 people and 2 dogs, and the supplies needed to feed and care for all of the above. Oh, are you going to leave the cats behind? Cold, buddy. Pretend they are your children (or baby brother/cousin/niece/whatevs) who have no idea what's going on, because that is how everyone in my family feels about their pets. Then pretend you come home after a category 3 hurricane has demolished your house with your children inside. Leaving them behind is not an option to someone with even half a heart.
6. Exhaustion: Ok, so you've got the fuel and can handle the traffic and know someone who will take your entire family, including the animals. Keep in mind that you didn't just have to prepare your own house for a hurricane, though - you also had to help your mother prepare hers. Ben and I were so certain my mom and Grams's house was going to be destroyed, so we did everything we possibly could for them. This involved fighting for sandbags, trips back and forth to move Grams's artwork and other irreplaceable items to our house, and doing our best to save what we didn't move by getting things higher up - on top of beds, shelves, or covering it with plastic. Also, nobody in the family had been sleeping very well under all of this stress. So we were physically spent and there wasn't much energy left to give for what was likely going to be an extremely grueling road trip.  
7. A mother who isn't known for patience: So you're willing to make the drive, even though you haven't slept in a week and your body feels like it's been run over by a steamroller. Are you ready to handle what could be a twenty hour car ride with someone who develops instant road rage in any sort of traffic? My mother has so many amazing, wonderful qualities... and you'll see I've learned I can count on her to make the right decisions... but sitting in traffic with her is a very stressful situation. 
8. A 90-year-old disabled woman: And this is the ultimate challenge right here. Solve for all of the above, fine. But at the end of the day, what is it that Grams can really handle? Hours upon hours in a hot car with the stress of traffic and not being able to find fuel? Or at least being comfortable but not entirely sure if your roof is going to stay put? Also, guess where my mother's lack of patience comes from? 

So there you have it. My husband and I kept our eyes on the news... and as the days passed, we watched more and more of our neighbors leave... and we struggled knowing that leaving could be worse for us than staying. 

But when we woke up early Sunday morning and saw nothing had changed, that the last of our neighbors were also packing up and leaving because the models were still predicting a direct hit for St. Pete - we knew we were going to have some "End of Days" decisions to make.

So I dunno, maybe we should have left sooner.

After all, we were trading one set of stressors for quite another, as you'll see. 

Or... knowing what we know now... maybe we didn't have to leave at all.

Or maybe we left when we did and everything worked out better than we ever could have hoped for and we should just leave it at that. 

Happy birthday, blog

Just stopping in to wish the blog a happy 2nd birthday. Look at how far we've come in two years!!

That's sarcasm, people. For all of this "learning" and "discovery" I've done - not just in the last two years, but since I started half marathoning five years ago - I've gone pretty far fucking backward. I've really just traded one set of unhealthy signals I had five years ago for another much worse set today.

Yeah, remember this? I don't think I'm even moving pebbles anymore. And my writing has kinda gone to shit. 

And I am just so goddamn tired of getting advice from so-called experts who know nothing, Jon Snow. And speaking of Jon Snow, maybe that's part of my problem. Why is all of this expert advice I'm getting coming from dudes? I really gotta rethink my "resources" page because none of these resources have actually helped me get anywhere close to my goals and maybe it's because it's all "expertly" crafted by men using research on other men to the benefit of future men and NOT ME.

I probably just offended 2.53% of my readership. Sorry. I know at least my husband will forgive me. Bear with me for a sec, though, this is not a gender issue.

Here's the truth. I've been steered wrong by female docs too.  Female coaches with specific expertise in my problems charge too much. Holistic health professionals in my area that accept my insurance are hard enough to find, and females are nonexistent, but at this point I'm thinking none of these "professionals" really know what they're doing anyway and they're all just throwing spaghetti. Or zoodles, and those are NEVER going to stick.  

And every success story I've ever read online must be totally fake because how is it that I can do what they're doing and not improve? They're either lying to me or not giving me the whole story. Don't give me that "unique snowflakes" BS, we're not THAT unique. Otherwise, what's the point of even doing research and sharing stories? I should just shut this down right now, right?

The thing that is working for me right now is chemical and short term. Why didn't anybody tell me about this option years ago? Why did I have to fight with this for so long and only have this offered to me after I went asking for something else New Doc couldn't actually prescribe me?

I don't know. Maybe I did have the right answers in my younger days. I don't have time to keep getting it wrong here, people. Hurricane Ethel could take this all away from me tomorrow. No, there's not actually a Hurricane Ethel right now, but while we're on the subject, let's start a petition to change the way they name hurricanes because I hate having to tell people I've been beaten up by an Irene, Sandy, and now an Irma. How about Hurricane Vader? Hurricane Palpatine? Even Hurricane Death Star would work. Seriously, you could get enough villains out of the Star Wars universe to get through a few hurricane seasons just fine.

Blogroll Irma

Here, read this while I figure out how to go back to being normal Nicole and not traumatized Nicole:

Tampa Bay's escape from Irma was more than luck

Read the Washington Post article that comes up first. I'd link to it directly, but I think it will prompt you to purchase a subscription if I do it that way, hence the Google Search approach.

Irmageddon

I spent some time cleaning the house this morning, then made my way over to the gym for arm day. Actually, it really could have been any workout day of my choosing, given it has been over a week since I last did any voluntary exercise. I also checked the runDisney website for an update on Tink. Still no news. Rats. (I've decided to clean up my language a bit. It's been pretty terrible lately, and I'm better than that.)

Oh, I'm sorry. Is an update on my half marathon training not the story you're here for?

The story you want to hear is one I'm not quite ready to tell. Because even though it has a drop-to-my-knees-and-thank-a-higher-power-I-don't-really-believe-in happy ending, it was the most terrifying thing I've ever lived through. And all I've been able to do this past week is envision the different ways it could have played out: how my family could have been split apart, how we could have been looking at a best-case scenario of homelessness and a worst-case scenario of.... well, THE worst-case scenario.

Remember how I said things had to get "End of Days" bad for me to leave my home?

Yeah. Irma was looking THAT bad for St. Pete.

But in the end, we got lucky. And things are slowly starting to return to normal, beginning with my mother and grandmother finally being able to go home yesterday. Although their house survived Irma, they had no power, so they stayed with us until it was turned back on. We've been helping them over the course of the last few days move the contents of their house - which they had moved to "safety" into our house - back into their house, including their three cats and dog.

Hence the house cleaning and getting everything back in order in our own house this morning.

I'm tired.

#Irmagerd

So give me a few more days to finish eating my Hurricane Irma leftovers, catch up on sleep missed over the last two weeks, and stop inwardly crying so much, and maybe then I'll be able to share exactly what happened from September 9th and beyond.

List of Things that are the Worst

1. Hurricanes

T Minus Two Days

Not getting much sleep lately. Wonder why.

You can say you aren't going to worry about something until you know the facts, but knowing the fact the Atlantic's worst hurricane ever is possibly coming right for you is pretty worrisome.

Shooting Irma won't help.

But I was still slightly relieved by the fact most models predicted on Wednesday that Irma may head East, giving us on the Gulf Coast a fighting chance.

And then yesterday's predictions came out, and a friend of mine called it to my attention on Facebook:

Yeah. Everything shifted West. 

The biggest picture on top is the most horrendous scenario, because that puts Irma going right up the center of Florida. It also comes from the European Center for Medium-Range Weather Forecasts, which is considered to have the most accurate model for predicting hurricanes.

K. Am I scared? You're goddamn right I'm scared.

So it looks like it's coming right for us. BUT - another stroke of luck - what we thought might be cat 3 Irma has been downgraded to a cat 2 Irma by the time she gets to us. So 80 mile per hour winds then. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Anyway, I had sprint intervals on the agenda today, so since sleep wasn't happening and I had a little time before project "Help Husband Apply Hurricane Panels to Windows" started (and try to put in a full workday as well, because who knows what's going to happen next week), I decided to go complete my sprints around the lake near my house. You know, the same one with ducklings and otters and cute baby animals of all types. Speaking of ducklings, they're still there. A little older, of course, but not fully grown yet. I wonder how ducklings fare in 80+ mph wind?

But back to running... there was something particularly liberating about each one of those 30-second sprints I did this morning. Because when you are running your heart out, there's no chance to think about the what ifs. My mind was free from all of the planning and worrying and catastrophizing - it only had two priorities: A. breathe and B. get Nicole as far as possible as fast as possible. No room for any other thoughts.

Thoughts like... Will Disney World be ok?

And more importantly... Will my Mom's/Grams's house be ok?

They got the mandatory evacuation order yesterday afternoon. At first, they didn't get any other details except that evac was happening at 6 am on Friday, and panic ensued. They weren't exactly prepared to be ready that quickly, so my mom called me freaking out about everything that needed to be done. "Well... how long do you have to get out?" I asked her. It appears the city neglected to give them that information.

After doing a little research, I found out that, yes, evac began at 6 am this morning but at least they had until 8 am Sunday morning to get out (not that they should wait that long). However, what evac means is that if you don't have a special sticker on your car indicating you're a resident of the evac area, you can no longer get in. And a major part of their preparedness plan involved mine and Ben's help. So last night, we spent most of the evening doing what we could to help them get ready around their house.

And evacuated Grams's cat, Mittens, and 30 cans of soup to our house. Progress.

We also took one of their two minivans so that we could get back and forth to continue helping them tonight. Man, their two minivans have really come in handy this summer.

Anyway, I also learned we're expecting additional guests on Sunday. Our friends down the street live in a 100-year-old house. With a newborn baby, they didn't want to take any chances, so they are also coming with their dog to hang out when Irma arrives. Party on.

Between the painful process that is evacuating my family, prepping their house for what might be its ultimate end, and making last minute preparations for our own house to keep everyone safe, I'm not sure how much time I'll have in the next day.

5 pm update. Irma shifted West again. Awesome.

So I guess this is it. You probably won't be hearing from me again.




This weekend. I meant you won't be hearing from me again this weekend.